It has been an interesting New Year that actually started around Christmas time for me. My Chemo was postponed for a week and I had a big emotional crisis that I believe had a lot to do with hormones. Since I have been on Chemo straight since June, I never had a break from the Chemo drug in my system. The good thing about this breakdown is that I learned some things I needed too. The bad thing was I got severe headaches everyday for a week and a half that I was told were migraines.
I have to tell you, if you have migraine headaches than I feel very sorry for you, because migraines feel like your brain is trying to explode your head from the inside out. I tried to talk to my family about this, but it is very difficult to get through to people verbally when your brain is confused and you are in a lot of pain. Basically, the doctor explained that I couldn’t be on medication for migraine headaches and be on the Chemo at the same time. I tried to explain that I couldn’t live everyday with these headaches and be around any human being in any kind of productive manner.
I had made the decision from the beginning of the Cancer treatments that if I had any say in the matter I would do whatever it takes to live for my family, but I was in a conundrum. Do I want my family to watch me suffer until I die ? The answer to that was no. I do not want to torture my family.
That is the only part of Cancer that bothers me. I don’t want to hurt my family. I am OK with dying because I have peace with where I am going, but my family is not quite in the same place. They can’t picture a life without me and even the thought of it makes the whole house become very stressed. We don’t realize how much we impact a family until our job is not able to be done. Each person needs me in a different way for a different reason. It is like a car missing a steering wheel. Sure the car runs but there is no direction. My primary job in my house is spiritual teacher, organization, motivation, meditation and research. I am the cook and I clean but so many of my duties have had to be delegated to other people. It has been a difficult transition and my husband in particular has struggled the most because he has never done some of these jobs before and some of them he doesn’t like doing.
In the midst of all this chaos I was forced to call a family meeting and ask for help. My husband doesn’t like asking for help and this was not something he was happy about doing, but we were stuck. I couldn’t do anything and I was reaching the possibility of hastening my death. Without help, or at least new ways to do things,my husband was going to be stuck without me to do things he was not willing, or in some cases able, to do himself. The family meeting went better than we thought,and my whole family contributed as peacefully and amicably as they could. Not everything was straightened out but there was progress.
After a few days I had an appointment with my Oncologist who had some not great news. A new metastases had appeared on my spine which meant that I have gone a bit beyond what can be done in this local areas medical capacity. I would have to be transferred to a new Oncologist in Calgary to have more unconventional treatments available to me. I new this was a possibility, but honestly, I was very keen on going into remission after Christmas and hoping that this saga of my life would be open to new opportunities of growth and learning.
The other issue that came with this was the lack of Doctors here has made it difficult for me to get into someone right away. So, I am waiting as patiently as I can. On the positive side, the Chemo and God has somehow managed to heal my brain of my MS lesions and I am able to walk without a walker with the help of physio, so I am grateful for that. I have been mindfully praying for the most positive outcome for this. I want a doctor and a treatment that will be as easily done as possible and will eventually lead me to NED, meaning no evidence of disease. Basically I am asking for a new miracle which would be remission.
All in all it has been a crazy start to the New Year. I am still hopeful though and I feel like this journey is being lead by powers way higher than I could ever imagine. If you were to see me, you would know that I am definitely doing better than expected. Despite the bald head, I am not really projecting a lot of illness. I have my moments, but I am looking and acting a lot better, which I am grateful for. This year, with the help of my Dad and his wife, my husband is heading back to work. My son has moved out to his own adventure of being on his own and I am left with a new journey of refocusing my life and enjoying my daughters. My plans are not completely worked out yet. I am waiting to see what the new treatments will bring, but I am hopeful that 2019 will be a real turning year of growth and teaching.
From the moment I lost the fear of death, I have been blessed with such wonderful guidance from God that I feel like I have to share. I have been writing and I am hopeful that my writing will make a difference to people who have struggled like myself. There is so much that is up in the air everyday, but really, who doesn’t have the chaos we call life? I am living day by day and I am enjoying things each day that I never knew I could. I just recently realized that I was able to eat foods I was allergic to for almost 15 years. I find I am very present with the new foods, which is a real gift. With every new thing I am feeling more and more like I am living. I had no idea how much I didn’t live due to fear. I am hopeful ,in my writings, I will be able to get that across. I want people to understand this because I really feel like I have spent 40 years of my life without living. If I can help even one person live than I feel like I have lived my purpose. I am not sure how any of this will look, but I am quite sure if it is meant to be than it will all work out as perfectly as God wills it. Something I have been discovering is that Gods will is much better than mine. So, I wish you all a wonderful new year and I hope for many blessings to everyone’s life. God Bless