I don’t know if you have ever had a doctor not be able to look you in the eye, but if you do, it is a very odd feeling. I am not suggesting that anyone has given up on me it is just the mere vastness of the whole situation that makes me have to actually come to terms with the possibility that I may die. Now here is the weirdness. I am so at peace right now that living and dying doesn’t seem to matter in the scheme of things. That’s where it is really weird , because also everything seems to matter. Things that made no dip in the relevance of my life have so much more relevance than anything else. Things like smelling the different tea roses in the greenhouse up the road. Telling everyone that I love them because I do and they should know it. I feel so blessed to have known you is a truth on my heart. Little things about people that I wanted to stop because it didn’t suit my agenda is now what I look forward to seeing about them the most because it makes them uniquely them.
My daughter is an opportunistic girl. She takes advantage of what ever she can, which some people may think a negative trait, but when everyone is treating me weird or different, her being that way was such a refreshing burst of fresh air she has no idea. We have no idea that it is the little crazy things about us that make us special in this world. We spend so much time trying to fix everybody and everything that we never stop to recognize that it may be those things about us that make the difference in our experience of the world. Yes we may seem irritating to others because everyone believes that their way is right, but we just may be wrong. Nobody knows the purpose of someone else’s story. We don’t know why that journey was chosen for them. We don’t really know anything.
I know that no matter what happens the people in my world will be ok because if they are not ok than they would not be in this world. I believe that the place you go when you die is amazing, vast and endless love and joy. I do not doubt that is where my family and friends will be and I have such peace knowing that. I know that if I do live another twenty years or more that I will continue to live the way I am now. Nothing and everything mattering at the same time.
Once upon a time I used to get so upset with the cat hair in my house. I used to say if I could only have a clean house. I couldn’t wait to be pet free because clean meant more than living. When I got sick those cats gave me the most comfortable moments I could ever ask for. I recognized that it was the love that was most important and the cat hair be damned. I would bath in it if it was going take away even a bit of the pain. What did it matter if I had a million beautiful houses and no comfort from the pain? It really didn’t. I had to question so many things.
I spent my whole life hovering over my children, trying desperately to keep them out of some crazy idea of harm’s way. Who would have ever believed in all of my trying to protect them from pain that I may be the one to cause them one of the biggest traumas of their lives. It is crazy. I can’t stop it, I can’t control it and all I have left in my arsenal is acceptance. That is when I realized that really that is all we ever have. Accept or not accept. If you don’t accept than you fight. Here is the thing. Fighting sometimes is possible and the best way to grow. However, fighting only works if you have the capacity to change what ever it is you don’t accept. These moments are less than we think. We think we can change people. We can’t. We think we can change physics. We generally can’t. In the scheme of things there is not a whole lot we can change. The biggest one we can is our minds. Once again I guess it comes down to accepting.
So here is where I am with the acceptance. I know I could die I am accepting. I know I could live. I accept that too. I know my kids may have troubles in their lives. I accept that. I know people will hurt. I feel deeply sorry for that but as I cannot change people I accept that too. I accept that my kitten may not get to know me but I enjoy her love right now. I accept that I may live a long time and I may have to endure lots of painful procedures. I don’t think about it and I take it one day at a time. I accept that there may be plentiful times and their may be scarce times. I accept that we could lose everything in a second and we could gain the whole world. That’s just life. I don’t know why it took me so long to get this and I had to come to the possibility of death for it to happen, but I can honestly say I accept that too. I am happy. I am happier than I have ever been and that is just such a gift. If I could do anything for anyone I would give you this feeling because it is so amazing. Weird but truly amazing. God Bless you all and may you have a time in your life when you really get the chance to smell the roses.