I went to the Oncologist the day before yesterday and he basically told me that he has seen miracle’s happen but essentially my treatments are things I am doing to give me extra months not a lifetime. That is when the whole lifetime thing comes into play. What does it all actually mean? We live each day , day in and day out, never recognize the intricacies of those hours. Time is relative to how much work you get complete and not much more. We have moments of special time, but that is all it is, moments. When someone puts a timeline on your moments at first you panic. You need certain time lines to fulfill your dreams. Things like, I need six more months to graduate or I need ten years for grandchildren. I myself really wants to go to Universal studios and try a butter beer.😉 In the mean time you realize the possibility that you may not get to do these things. That makes you sad. You think about what you may be missing out on. You do what you can with what restrictions you have left and you go back on other people’s death watch.
Death watch in itself is the most bizarre feeling. People get things in their mind what you should or should not be doing. If they hear I am walking in the mall they think I am strong or crazy. What they don’t know is that if I don’t walk the steroids I am being given puts me in an extreme anxiety attack that only wearing down works. They talk to you different. Kind of sad, like they want to ask questions but they are afraid it will make me feel something bad. It sometimes becomes a game of ” who can hold in our emotions better”. I really feel bad for how much you all suffer for me. Know please that I love whatever you want to say.
Since all this began I have gotten extremely close to my instinct and the universal energy force that most people call God. If I see it and have a pull toward something I go no matter how silly it seems. I have too. It could mean the difference between my cure or not. This means that if you choose to see me or not I have no feelings or judgment because I believe that God is running this show and if he wanted me to see you he would make it happen. I love you that is my only judgement.
I have been asked why would I put myself through this pain of it if it means only an extra five minutes.The truth is five more minutes is worth it and here is why. I get the chance to tell everyone who has ever been in my life that I love them and mean that. I am talking about everyone. From the waiter who served me food with a smile to My parents, siblings , kids, friends and husband. I can openly say how much their smile meant to me or that their service meant to me. Why is this important? Because people are important and I am afraid not many of them realize just how much. Everything that is done on this world has a purpose in allowing us to have our own personal experience. If not for the darkness we would never see the light. We could not experience the joy of a situation if we never had a bad one.
For instance, my knees have hurt me since I was about sixteen. Walking up and down the stairs bothered me tremendously. Lately, I have been on steroids to help keep the brain pain away. The added bonus to this is that it took away the knee pain. I reveled in this the other day. I was at the hospital and needed to walk. I just began to take the stairs and my husband just about had a fit. I told him I felt like I had to, so he braced me and up and down the stairs we went. It was like I was a toddler again. I felt so much Joy that I could go up and down the stairs with no pain. It was incredible. Now, would I have ever had that experience if not for over twenty years of bad knees? Absolutely not. That is why I can honestly say I love everything and everyone. Good or bad we all have a place in this world. Sometimes the place is simply to be the bad mark at which we spend our whole life getting over. Sometimes it is because of that one bad moment we change our lives around and learn to love ourselves. We are in a matrix together, intertwined so that each person gets to experience amazing things. Nobody knows why or what it all means in the end but I can tell you what I know so far. It all means something if you let it.
I have also recently learned how much each of us try to control out of love. I was absolutely the worst for this. I tried to change my children due to my fear for them and their future. I got it in my head that they must become what I believe as a person in order to be successful. What a messed up way of thinking. I cannot and should not try to change my children for this reason. They are not me. I should not stop their human experience because that is theirs. I have my own. If I have a problem with my own than I can fix mine. I can tell them my fears and be there for them as best I can when they fall, but the moment I don’t accept them with love for who they are as a person, is the moment I become seperate from them. That is my problem. I don’t want to seperate from anyone but I did and will continue to do so if I give anything less than love.
I could sit here writing all day about how my control, judgement and fear has brought me down so many wasted roads but “ain’t nobody got time for that”. I can say this though, Jesus got it right. Love one another. Because, that really is the only thing that matters. Let people know that every little thing they do makes them amazing. Because it does. The lady who spends an extra second on putting flowers on your nails so you feel pretty needs to know that you see the love she is putting in her work. The Mom who is at her wits end because she hasn’t slept and her toddler is taking a fit does not need scorn or judgment. She needs you to look at her and say you are an amazing Mom. You have this. You are loved. This is one of the biggest blessings I have received. Unconditional love. So when or if I see you know this. I love you. I love everything about you because you are you and that makes you amazing. God Bless 🙏 everyone. And again I love you all.