For Me.

An amazing thing that I have truly been able to see lately is the power of doing things for yourself. We are a very strange beast. We do things for ourselves all the time but we really sort of don’t. In fact, if we were truthful to ourselves, most of what we do for ourselves is actually done for the sake of other people. We do things with the primary thought of what other people think matters. We don’t question ourselves or our why’s. We think, I must do this thing because it is the right thing to do or that Jo Blow down the road may think this is the right thing to do. In the face of all this is the internal struggle of maybe I am wrong in wanting this, or maybe I am hurting someone else by this course of action. It all becomes very complicated when I don’t believe life is supposed to be that complicated.

The other day I recognized that there was something I had always wanted to do but I really struggled doing it. Since I was a teenager, I had always wanted to write a book. I came close to writing a book once, when I opened up a speed dating company in my thirty’s, but it was more like a very long essay. In fact, I probably could have used it as a thesis to get into my masters degree if I really wanted to. It was a very well documented regurgitation of many author’s. It was not my book.

I believe the problem I had in general was, no matter how many times I went to write the book, I was never actually writing the book for me. Everything I wrote went along the lines of blah blah blah, what would this person think, or what would be the benefit of this for that person? I even thesaurused the thing to death to find appropriate words for so, because I tend to speak that word a lot. Basically, I couldn’t write my book, because it really wasn’t my book. It was based on an intention that wasn’t my truth. The question is why? Why did I want to write a book? There is no real defining answer to this. Why does anybody want to do anything and why should it matter?

Why are we on this earth? The answer is to have an experience. To live our wants. We don’t have to question why one person wants to fish and one person wants to read. The only question we really should be asking is does this give me Joy and am I doing it for that reason? If you are doing it because you think that it makes you some kind of super star in someone else’s eyes, and you hate every minute of it, than why do you want to make yourself feel hate? Not only that, but I can tell you this as a truth. Nobody and I mean nobody, can give you your value. No matter how much someone tells you how wonderful you are, you will never believe it until the person who is telling you how wonderful you are is you. So, if this is the case, than why would we deprive ourselves of our experiences? The answer is fear. Fear of failure, fear of judgement and sometimes just plain fear of hurt or death. Some fear is natural and good. We really should not jump out of an airplane without a parachute. That is common sense, but most of what stops us is not practical. I didn’t write that book because I worried what the Jones my think. The thing is, I hadn’t even wrote the book and I had already had the thing published and prejudged in my head. Fear stopped me from writing that book and the fear wasn’t even close to real. I didn’t say I wanted to write the next New York best seller. I just wanted to write the book. To be honest, the reason why was to see if I could do it and to learn my mind. I like writing. When I write I learn. I have always taught to learn, and if you know me at all, you would know I am an insatiable learner. I am curious George in human form. I read a lot and I love spirituality, brain science, physics and basically all things art and design. I have been in school most of my life. I have a lot of information that swims in my head. When I write I am probably just as surprised as anyone else who is reading my writing. It comes from a deeper place in me. It is like I am taking a class when I write. So, if I want to write a book than I should do just that. Write a book. My book. Just because I want to do it and it should be just for me.

When I changed my thoughts on that I started to write, but this time was different. I had nobody fencing me in. I was writing for me. Last night I wrote over eleven thousand words in my computer. I know I did it because I was not holding back. We do this so often we can’t even see that we are mostly holding ourselves back from Joy for a make believe reason. The Jones don’t care.

I was in the doctors office yesterday morning and I was exhausted. The radiation is starting to show signs of working and I am getting bouts of exhaustion. My husband sees I am falling asleep and he wakes me up. He says Brandie you are falling asleep. I know I am falling asleep. I am a stage four triple negative breast cancer patient with no hair, Fifty new steroid pounds, a brain full of tumours being treated by radiation. I am on five medications for pain and swelling. I am walking into walls and can’t do general math. I snap at him “give me one good reason why I should give a rats ass about sleeping in the doctors waiting room right now”? He laughed at himself. He said “huh your right”. “I have no reason for you to not be asleep”. In fact after falling asleep the nurse saw me and moved me into a room so I could actually nap before the doctor came in.

If I have learned anything from this journey, and believe me I have learned so much it is hard on my head sometimes, I have learned this. Life is way to short and precious to stop yourself from your Joy because you are worried about what others think. In most cases, they are not thinking at all, and a lot of the time when they are thinking about you, it is usually about how you feel and if they can be of service to you. People are actually really awesome. They love you probably more than you love you. When you stop yourself from doing things that you want to do, in the manner you want to do them, you are not living you. I am not suggesting that you become a hedonist, only satisfying your own needs. I am saying that you can enjoy things for yourself without harming other people. You need to do things for yourself and love them without guilt, because you can never truly give something to another person if you don’t have it yourself. This means you can’t truly give away love if you don’t love yourself first. We can’t give service if we waste our energy away. We have to feed ourselves to live. It is very important to honor our passions, because that is why we are here. You may say things like, I have to work, it costs money what I want, I don’t have enough time. Well I am sitting here looking down a loaded barrel and I can tell you this much. There is no time like now.

In the grand scheme of life, if I die before I finish the book, I will not have any regrets about not finishing it, but I would most certainly regretted not starting it. I have right now. The journey of a thousand steps starts with the first one. I took that and so should you. Nobody has a guarantee on their life’s timeline. Don’t go before you did what is on your list to do. Don’t question your reasons, honer your passion and most importantly find your Joy. You will never regret the first step. It doesn’t mean you have to finish it. All that matters is that you have fun, you learn, and you enjoy the experience of it. If you lived every day like that, it really wouldn’t matter when you died, because you would really have lived. And above all please remember this. Do it For You. Don’t worry about the Jones’ and let the Jones’ worry about themselves. If we lived more like this I bet the world would be just a better place for everyone in general. Namaste my friends and may you all find something that brings your heart Joy. God Bless 🙏

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