As human beings, we don’t just love, we project Love. What this means is, we visualize other people’s feelings and make actions accordingly. For instance, you beautiful people, picture what my physical pain should look like, based on your past experience with someone else on Chemotherapy. If your grandmother had Cancer and she walked a mile to get a smoke after Chemo, than you might think I need to suck it up and go to the gym. If Aunty May couldn’t get herself to the bathroom, you might think I am on deaths door. In each of these cases, you are only going by your past experience and then here is the misguided loving thing we do; we treat the other person the way we believe we should behave around them if the rolls were reversed. Drowning in love for the other person, you might say, “I can’t see you today because you may be sick”. “I can’t hug her, she might break or get contaminated by my germs”. “I can’t text her because she is dealing with enough”. The depths of caring are so evident of human beings it really is amazing to watch.
It was the caring of other peoples needs that put me in this place to begin with. I always did everything alone and harder than it ever had to be out of the caring needs of others. I did everything with someone else in mind and I never took into account how much it was hurting me. It was like carrying a two thousand pound jacket around to do anything. I wanted to open a family business so that I could have some of the burden shared. I knew that many hands made for lighter labor but I could never get passed the ingrained lure my husband had for the work and paycheck being the only way to live. I tried so hard to control everything and everyone that I didn’t even know what kind of stress I was putting in my world.
When I found my relationship with God I became fierce at trying to optimize the relationship. It mattered so much because what I was actually looking for was the rest. I needed rest from my head that never quit. God gave me peace with that. The best part for me was that God would show up in the best moments. It gave me the possibility of being able to find peaceful moments in this time. I believe that when you get closer to God you are actually able to open yourself to God and God can help make the decisions for you. It is like the ultimate resting in someones arms. This means that you don’t get burdened with the second guessing of what you should be doing for the other person. You can do it because it comes from a better place.
Yesterday my daughter came to me full of tears and big whelping breathes saying “Mommy, you need to take me grad dress shopping .Please don’t die”. My heart broke in a billion pieces .
A wash of fear entered my brain . I was so afraid of my husband going back to work and leaving my children to become like me. Overwhelmed and heavy burdened stuck with cancer in their system. I was terrified that I was going to be left alone in a hospice, without my cats who comfort me so much through chemo. I was terrified I was not going to see my grand-babies and my daughters graduate. I was so scared that my family was going to wake up and I would be dead. The pain consumes me at these moments. I need Gods peace, but couldn’t have it, because I am in a household of people who are also completely terrified.
It became a mission to help her buy the grad dress for her boyfriends grad at least. So against all the pain and exhaustion I went out to have one more moment. Because that is the thing. I do not know how many of these I have left. I tried so hard to get into the Joy space and stop the thoughts. It was a horrifying nightmare that showed on every ones face. The guilt of my daughter for even wanting this was just wrong. Of course she should want to have normal wants . She didn’t know that it was killing me to show her my pain. My husband tried so hard to hide his money fears. It was so sad. I screamed in my head for God just to show up. Just then a lady from my Facebook looks up and says “boy you are busy today” . She told me she was there doing something I suggested, which was living in the moments. This lady would have also known, that before four weeks ago, I would not have liked hugs. She was in God space though and she just hugged me. The peace came back. She gave me the shield over the drugs and the family fears. I cried so hard from the relief of it.
If she had not listened to her heart, she would not have helped me out as tremendously as she did. If she would have had any thoughts about it , it wouldn’t have been so smoothly done and make such a tremendous impact. I was able to sleep last night. She may have been the reason to write another day.
I guess the point I am writing this for is to let you know a couple of things. Number one is everything we do is mostly misguided and almost always for love. That is why having relationship with Jesus is important to me because giving the decisions to God, makes me less likely to do things by my will for other people but by God’s will.
The other thing I want everyone to know is this. You only have right now and especially for me. Don’t hold yourself back because I am alive now. No guarantees five minutes from now. Do not deny yourself because you are afraid of what state I am in. Be mindful but trust me too. Trust that I will let you know. Don’t deny yourself today what may not come tomorrow.
Don’t control other people’s beliefs because you are scared . More often than not it, is your pushing that makes them head the opposite direction anyways.
Lastly, I am going to post my new Go fund me page,because I should be able to not fear buying my daughter a grad dress together or fear I cannot ever enjoy the raspberries again right now because I must save for an imaginary day in the future. I have so many things to live for. If I don’t ask for help I may not get the chance to do anything. I am willing to put up with he pain of experimental treatment to have five more minutes with my family, friends and to take my daughter out for her real Grad Dress. I just need help from the rest of the world and the people in it. I just don’t know how to do it alone. We can only do this world together. So I am asking for your help to help me get my fighting chance, not just financially but with your faith and ideas.
Most Importantly I am writing this because I love you all so much and I want everyone to experience the Love and Joy I have felt over the past month. So I share to you. I wish you all great Joy.
Namaste God Bless 🙏