I have been feeling so many emotions lately it is like a stream of manic on steroids. Which oddly enough does probably come from some of the steroids. I have been dealing with people thinking I am crazy most of life.
When I first got sick, nobody could see it. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. I was short of breath. I had a swollen throat that would choke me when I ate. Periodically I would get pains in different parts of my body that had no rhyme or reason to them and the fatigue was unbelievable. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried, but I was so tired all of the time I felt like I was carrying an extra 500lbs around everywhere.
After I had my son, I was so short to my husband that he walked home one day with the wrong shampoo bottle and I threw it at the wall. The next day I was back in the doctors for something called post partum depression.
I was elated to have a name for it. However, after being put on the meds, I found that I was no longer lashing out at my husband, but I was completely numb inside. I was still so tired I could barely move out of bed. But I did move out of bed. Every morning I would drudge through life. By this time my knees had given out and I ballooned up to close to 300lbs.
That was another weird thing. I could never keep a constant weight. I worked out like a mad woman, ate well removed excess sugar, fats and Gluten. I just gained weight or maintained it. It made exercise even more of a torture for me. I felt like I was doing it all for nothing.* note :this is not true. My lung output due to cardio was 120percentile and the doctors said because of it, may be why I am alive today, because I was able to breathe through the 26 embolisms.* Score one for years of torture.
Also, since I had never done anything bad to my liver, the oncologist said it may be the reason I was able to heal the cancer in it. So score two for exercise. I am grateful. I also digress.
Since the brain cancer I have been actually losing some of my processes in a weird way. I am fairly non or slow reactive. I can’t focus and I can’t seem to do some general math. Yes I know not crazy. In fact I really kind of think crazy is a crazy word because mental illness is just that, an illness. This is a possible brain damage thing but I guess it is important for people to understand that who I am right now is who I have always wanted to be.
I am giving love out freely from my heart. I am telling people things I have always wanted to say. I am seeing the love in everything.
If you knew me a month ago you would think sad things. Things like she is tying up loose ends. She is doing a natural process before she dies. You may be right but to be honest it is so much more than that.
For years I have studied spiritualism and Christianity. I watched masters stay in meditation for hours and be excited about the prospect of it. I wanted so much to understand love.
One day I was at a Doctor Wayne Dyer talk in Calgary. I watched the man on stage struggle with his head. He started walking around frantically trying to explain how he was so in love with the world right now, that he actually loved this guy who was suing him for a book that the other guy believed he stole.
I was completely intrigued. How can you love someone who is hurting you? Especially a friend. Where is the betrayal feelings? It was so far beyond me I couldn’t figure it out. But I wanted it. I wanted to feel unconditional love for humanity.
When I found out I could die any second, I lost almost all of the bad emotions at once. No need for fear of death. That one was taken out of my hands. No more need of control since all of everything right now is completely out of control. So when left with no fear or control all you have is love. You also do have a time pressure. So why not do today what you can. What I wanted was love and I wanted to share it.
Not crazy, just authentic. I have always wanted to be free with expression of love,with no judgment and what better time to have that is now. So I tell everyone that I love them and how much I appreciate them. I mean every word of it. Why would I lie now? I see beautiful in everything. I would not change this feeling for the world. I love living right now because it means I am alive and I get to tell you things I mean from my heart. What an amazing experience.
So if I die today or twenty years from now I know that I got the chance to fulfill the real dream for me. Unconditional Love. Brain damage or not I plan on staying this way forever because I really love my true self. I am happier than I have ever been in my life.
If this is crazy than sign me up!😊