When I found out that I had no timeline, it was the most free feeling I had ever felt. Acceptance is very powerful. The thing is, nobody has any real set lifeline. Mine has just been theoretically expedited. Anyone of us could die in a moment from a tonne of different reasons. I guess that is why I was always so afraid. I knew how fragile life was. However, it can’t be too fragile, as I sit here right now hopped up on Chemo and radiation. Boy did I ever get things wrong.
For over fifteen years now, I studied tonnes of different books, seminars what have you, to find the meaning of life. I wanted to know a higher power. I wanted to find Jesus. I wanted to fill the void of life. Mostly, I wanted to become my true self.
- I did meditation and yoga. I learned about Jesus and the Bible. I discovered Dr Wayne Dyer. Each of them giving me great comfort and equally great confusion. The practical parts made complete sense. Like, love your neighbor and do onto others as they would have done to you. What I didn’t understand was how come I was so damn miserable. Yes I was sick and yes even the smallest job seemed like a mountain, but I was genuinely miserable. I did all the things to change my mind to no avail.
- I wrote gratitude journals and did affirmations.
- I drank green shakes and my three litres of lemon water.
- I excercised and took my vitamins.
Anything to fill a void that I couldn’t understand.
I was so angry. I had this very mixed up idea that I was a good person, I deserved a better life. It was all the messed up thoughts that made me miserable and the key word to this whole sentence is me! I made me miserable. The thing is, we are the only ones that can. We believe it is someone else doing this to us. But it is really not.
- I believed that if my husband would just see how sick I was he would help me more.
- If he loved me more, than he would pick the clothes up off the floor or close a cupboard door.
- I believed if I could just get my daughter to get better grades, do her laundry and keep her room clean than I would be happier.
Wow how much power we give to other people in the name of love.
So one day I was looking at my daughter’s mess of clothes and I said to myself in the grand scheme of life, if I am dying:
- how does her dirty clothes have anything to do with me?
- How does this effect my future and worse yet my happiness right now?
The answer is, if I die today, her laundry is really going to be the last thing any of us is going to think about. It was a thought and worse yet it was a thought that made me harass her in the name of love. Wow. When has anyone harassing anyone made them feel loved? We do it all the time. If I push you hard enough you will bend to my will and become exactly what you need to be to be a success. Holy! That is not only pressure hidden in fear but it is also a whole lot of Bologna. The one thing I can tell you as a truth and I assure you there are not a whole lot of truth’s. You cannot make anyone into anything. There is no such thing as security. You really have no control. I know this because I was the ultimate control freak. I tried to stop death and illness through every means possible and yet here I am sitting with terminal stage four cancer and literally no way to control the next five minutes than the next forty years.
We build our lives around fairy tales that we make up in our heads. We make up terrifying situations in our minds, when we could just as easily make up a good situation, because both are equally make belief. The only place we live is here and now. We think what we believe is going to happen are educated guesses, but even then we are still going by our own experience, so it really isn’t that educated to begin with. Everyone experiences each situation differently. For instance, my husband didn’t go to University, I did number of times. Both of us got hit hard when the oilfield downturned. There was no safety in my schooling, any more than there was safety in his. Me pushing my daughter to be anything makes no real sense and it just pushes her away from me when I just want to be close to her. It is really me making myself miserable for no reason.
We ,as a habit, feel the need to be right and prove it at all costs. Often at the expense of other peoples feelings. Finally, we do just about everything, from a thought we have about what other people think we are going to be thinking. That hurts my head just saying how confusing that is. An example of this would be when I start talking to people I talk a lot! I am so fascinated about all of this stuff that is happening right now. So, my husband says to me “Brandie these people have a job to do. You need to stop talking once in a while.” I adore my husband. He may be right but they can equally tell me to shut up. If I get offended that is my choice. If I choose not to listen when they ask me to stop then I am doing something wrong because I am causing someone unecessary pain for my gain but if I am guessing what they want then I am just controlling them and their responses. There lesson might be that they need to learn how to put up boundaries and my trying to control the situation is just setting them back. The thing is we do this out of love but again control. We just can’t help ourselves when it comes to control. We want to control everything so badly. All in all, not once taking our Joy into consideration. It makes no sense, but we do it anyway.
In the end we are left with some pretty stressed out people that we have created ourselves. Then we project those people onto to other people. Miserable and hurt we give you our absolute worst. It is sad really.
Tonight I went to the hospital for a med review. The staff and team of nurses and doctors I deal with are incredible human beings. These people come to work for extraordinary hours dealing with the most disgusting situations and still manage to smile at you. That is incredible in itself. I watched all night, as person after person scowled and bitched at these wonderful human beings. I watched it so much it made my heart hurt. These lovely people took it in stride and kept working. They deserve medals, but they aren’t doing it for that. They are just caring human beings. I could see the hurt and the anguish from those in pain. I saw there pain too. It is hard to be positive when you are in pain. Even harder when you don’t have much to give.
When you see this you realize how easy it is to give back a little to them by telling them how great the are doing. It is free and boy did it change their attitudes. When you realize that you don’t have to do anything but give love and compassion it is just a beautiful place to live.
When you realize that your primary thought should be about feeding your own needs then feeding your neighbor you see changes in the world. It is so little but so powerful.
I don’t know how long I have left on this earth but I know this. I am feeding myself and the world. It takes so little to let people know how much you appreciate them and mean it. I really mean it. I really see how amazing people are because I have no reason to judge them. All I can see is how much they want to love you. All I can see is how blessed we are to be on this earth. When you see that, there is literally no reason to fear or judge because all you can see is that you can change your thoughts to Joyful ones and God’s got you for the rest. No control just love.
*On a side note, one of the nurses who had dealt with me two weeks ago came to me tonight because she wanted to say how much she couldn’t understand why, when she was almost positive I was dying, in what would would have been delicately called a shitnami, I kept saying to her thank you so much for doing this? I grabbed her hand out of relfex to tell her how much she meant to me and how she handled that whole process was just so amazing. The fact that she would hold me when I was scared and wash me down was so incredible. The fact is she was an angel in a shitstorm and how could I not thank her a million times? I couldn’t pay anyone enough to do what she did. She said she had been having a hard week and this meant a lot to her. So little and yet so easy to make someone’s day but that wasn’t my intention at all. I just want people to know how beautiful they are because we don’t remember, but we are all amazing and we all should know it. *