It is so interesting trying to understand my place in the Universe. I am important to my family and friends on the most basic level and that is familiarity. They “know me”. In the familiarity of knowing a person you feel grounded and safe. Their routines, moods, speeches are so predictable that you just feel like you know the next move. When they do something out of the norm, it feels uncomfortable.
On the opposite side we spend a tremendous amount of our energy trying to mould these people to be more the way we want them to be. We argue, and manipulate. We harass them and sometimes even yell at them in frustration, because we want them to understand, that if they would just do what we say, then their lives would be better. We love them so much. We just want them to be happy. In the meantime if we actually could change them, than we we would feel uncomfortable with them being different. How bizarre.
That is only a small bit of the things that I have recognized lately and everyday my brain feels like it’s going to explode with all this information.
- I recognized that you can’t stop death.
- Then I recognized that you can’t change people.
- Then I recognized that I have no control over anything except what I do right now.
- Then I finally recognized that I have a choice over my emotional reaction to all of this. Meaning, I could choose to be scared,angry or bitter. Or, I could choose to be happy and grateful.
I chose happy and grateful and it changed my life which also feels bizarre.
Now I love people. I am not getting offended by their actions. I am living each moment and it is amazing but also incredibly confusing. My brain wants to worry. It wants to fear. It wants the grounding that comes with the familiar. It baffles my mind. Why would I ever want to be unhappy on purpose? Why would anyone?
The only answer I can figure is habit. Big changes only become habit over time. We are an adaptable creature. We can make new habits, but it usually takes us time and great stress to do it. This is very new and my brain wants to resist all this change at one time. So I really try to go back to worrying, but I know it is useless, and stops my joy. So, I try to choose something else. It is a constant battle.
For me, being sick is a big adjustment for my whole family. Every day I am alive is creating a new habit. However, everyday I am alive like this is creating a new person. I am no longer afraid or judging my family for anything because I am loving them for who they are. I am grateful for everyone because I can see how amazing they are and how much they are loving me. I am changing who I am. Each time I do this I am creating a new habit for myself but I am also creating a very bizarre person for my family.
I am grappling every day with the need to get back to the normal and the truth is you just can’t. I cannot just go to before the doctor said you may not live. God knows everyone in my family has tried to do this. My husband has dreamed of a time where he can just take a job and pay the bills while I make supper and the kids watch you tube. But that is not our reality right now. That is the strangest part.
It is like a balloon flying in the wind. You really have nothing to hold on too. Each day is a great gift and we can schedule the doctors appointments and such, but you can’t establish any kind of routine. You must depend on the kindness of strangers, and a plan to pay the regular bills. Hope for getting a possible cure so that eventually you may establish some tiny bit of normal in your life. In the meantime, I keep waking up. It is the most bizarre feeling ever.
I am gloriously grateful for everyday I have on this earth. I am loving my family, friends, animals and food like I have never loved. I am loving all of the people and meeting the most amazing people. I am so dumbfounded by this whole experience. I can’t change that, nor would I ever want to.
Each time it happens I believe more in humanity. I believe more in God. It is the most wonderful feeling. I just can’t even explain how confusing this whole thing is. I guess, no matter what happens, each day is going to be different and I have accepted that. There might be a day when something becomes stable and I am hopeful for that. I am happy and that really is the only important part, so the rest is up to God and I have to accept that, because that really is all of our reality. I guess, all we can really do, is fly like a balloon in the wind.