I get the whole Love your neighbor stuff now.

If given the chance to choose drugs or God. I would choose God. When I say God, I can say things like I am a grateful believer of Jesus Christ and that I am labeled as a Christian, but I may not fit in everyone’s idea of a Christian box. Actually, I don’t know if I believe anyone completely fits in any boxes of any manner. I wish people would start throwing out these imaginary boxes. I digress. I believe that everyone has the right to believe what ever it is they believe because who am I to judge what keeps you going every day?

I used to work in the social services area and I did a lot of stuff with people who struggled with mental illness and addiction. They were lonely, and wanted to escape their minds. I understand that a lot. It is our minds that hurt us and other people. So much so, that we can actually convince ourselves to kill or severally hurt other people because we believe our thoughts so much. It is our minds that can convince ourselves that we are not worth the ask for help when we need it. It was actually my mind that convinced me that I would be better off in pain than take the meds necessary for me to live each day without it. I was afraid I might miss out on some made up idea of longevity in the end.

This is how this worked. The doctors would offer me pain meds. I thought in my head,”I need to beat this impossible to beat cancer and somehow manage to come out with an Olympic triathlon body that lifts weights and has the leanness of an East Indian yoga guru. I choose no pain meds please.” I can laugh at all this now but the depths of pain I put myself through over the past year with the Chemo, as well as most of my life, I can also say a big sorry to myself and give myself a big old hug because I deserve one.

Now I must circle to my first statement at the beginning. I said if I was given the choice, meaning without pain, I would choose God. This is why. When I am clear, in a meditation and with God, even when I was in pain, I was present and I would get whisked away in very realistic dreams that made me happy. I felt like I was loved and held. The pain meds make me forgetful. Like I am seperate from everyone. As far as learning about others though, I am learning leaps and bounds about addiction and mental illness right now. I actually truly understand how difficult it would be to feel so alone that you can’t see anyway out. I can understand the feeling of being detached from your body. I can also understand the feeling that your brain is betraying you. I relied heavily on my brain. Being unable to think straight is frustrating sometimes. Sometimes it is even a terrifying feeling. Your brain feeds you stories that make you feel like the pain is just around the corner and if you don’t do something right now than you will die or be in more pain than you can handle. The urgency seems so real right now when really it is not real. However, you think it is because the drugs mess with your perception of time. Like for instance, nobody needs to have chocolate right now but tell that to me when I am experiencing PMS and I might knife you. Sometimes it is even the act of thinking that makes you go off. Worse than that,the meds make you hurt the ones you love, because they actually make you short and unable to think logically in the future. Then you feel guilty and want to escape again. Meanwhile, it is still all made up in your head because your loved ones just want you to be safe and happy. You ask yourself how can anyone love you when you are such a bad person? You spiral down. Eventually people get fed up because they have been trying to support you, but you choose the escape first. Then you eventually become what it was you feared to begin with. I will say it again. Oh, how we torture ourselves with our thoughts.

In recognition of this I also see why it is so important to love myself and forgive myself. I did not choose Cancer. I did not choose hurting anyone, nor do I believe anyone chooses their sad circumstances. What I did choose though, was living. Living every moment I have. I chose to have compassion for the broken and I choose to lift people up when ever I can because all people are beautiful and really do deserve to have people treat them for the master pieces they are, rather than the mistakes they make. In fact, I believe it is our mistakes that make us beautiful, because without them how do we ever learn to get better? I barely remember what I have done continueasly right, but I remember a great deal of what I have done wrong and had to fix to make better. I am now maticulous at putting together Ikea furniture for that one reason alone.

I guess I am writing this because I see now how harsh I may have been on humanity from my fear and judgments. What better time than right now than to say world I am sorry. I forgive you for being broken. I accept you for who you are and I love you. I hope you all learn to love yourselves as well. God Bless 🙏 You are beautiful just the way you are.❤️

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