I have to admit. Pain is wearing. Mental and physical pain is a great deterrent to doing anything, let alone things that you are not sure if you are going to love. It is also very easy to say no to things because you have a preconceived idea about how something might go and cause you more possible pain. It looks like this.
My friend wanted me to go to a Robb Nash Project thing on suicide prevention. My thoughts were , “I have not had sleep for two weeks”. “I am exhausted and I understand Suicide prevention very well”. “Heck, I have prevented people from suicide”.”I have taken dozens of suicide prevention courses”. ” For crying out loud ,this is a rock band and I can’t even stand music on in the car”. “I am sick and tired, blah blah blah”. My mind can go on forever with a million excuses as to not do something because it is just easier to say No. The reality is, I have no idea what this project will look like, or whether or not I can handle it. I won’t know until I am actually there. This time, I chose Yes with the boundaries in my mind, that if I can’t do it than I must simply figure out the next step when I get there. If I base every decision I make, on the pain I think might be coming my way, then how will I enjoy any of my moments left? We really do not understand how many minutes we have. We owe it to ourselves to try new things and not think about the “possibility” of pain.
When I got there, I was tired and in mild pain, but I had an awesome chat with my friends mother, who is also my friend. I was happy and much to my surprise, I was given the grace of being able to handle the noise and spotlights. I was actually loving the experience of it. The Robb Nash Project is just a beautiful cause. Then I realized that one of my prayers were being answered.
I had prayed that my husband would understand some of the reasons why I have been doing things lately. Why I have had to live more in the moment and by faith instead of by fear of death. I was so elated as I sat there and heard words I had said, probably a million times, come out of Robb Nashes mouth and go into my husband’s heart.
I wanted so much to thank this Robb Nash guy because I was truly grateful for this gift he was giving children and in this case, myself and family. I had one problem. I was done. My pain tolerance was up and I had to go. I wanted to wait until the end but I couldn’t. I then got a very strong image and prompting in my head that, before all of this, would have been dismissed as easily as I had it. My heart saw me going up to the stage and saying thank you. I struggled for a second . There were so many variables that would have completely gone against my ideas of well, everything!
- What might people think?
- What high and mighty person am I, to just boldly believe I had a right to interrupt a preformance?
- I am a bald, overweight, sick lady with a walker wearing sweats. I am not fit looking to walk outside, let alone in front of a crowd of more than hundred.
- What if the security gets to me first?
The thing is, lately I have had to live by these promptings. I never know if these are going to be the difference between me waking up each day or not. I was not feeling fear at all, just mildly uncomfortable and out of breath because of the heat of the place. I got up to the end of the isle and sat for a second while Robb Nash very graciously allowed me to say thank you and even gave me a hug. This would have also put me in a fear spiral, due to me having just had Chemo and I could have gotten germs. Not to mention, how I really had personal space issues. The thing is, that any one of my thoughts could have come true and it really wouldn’t have mattered. However, lately in living my truth I have found that gratitude has been one of my drives, as well as, getting better at listening to my spirit.
When I got home my daughter says to me ” Mom, you touched people today.” I was kind of floored by that statement. I didn’t go out to touch anybody or really even go at all if I was actually honest with myself. Then she clarified , and said ” no actually, what I mean is, I think you touched him. I think he felt your love.” Well, if that wasn’t the cherry on the cake for me. Not only did I get to have a wonderful time with my family and friends. I got a prayer answered and I got to give appreciation and love. These are all things that matter to me right now and I am grateful for that whole experience. I plan on saying yes as much as I can.