I used to believe, that if I had a million dollars, everything would be alright. Then I believed, if only my kids would do this that or the other thing, than I would be happy. Then I thought, if only my husband would do this that or the other thing, than I would be happy. Oh yes, not to mention the stuff that I would have to accumulate in order to be happy like big house , nice car, etc…It was truly an endless journey to happiness by power of other people and things.
One day I kind of hit rock bottom on the happiness. I was living in a trailer that I had renovated after going bankrupt. I felt so hopeless and sick. We had the trailer checked for mold and asbestos because the whole house was sick by this time. I am sure the depression was contagious, because nobody was really happy, except my four year old daughter who was just happy being alive.
At this time, I began a spiritual quest, because what I needed was hope and I had no where else to go but up. Through the process I was introduced to many books and theorist including things like, the Bible and the Tao . Teachers like Dr Wayne Dyer,and Louis Haye. Then one day I came across a book called The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. It was such a hard read for me. I saw the guy on Oprah and all I could think was , how the heck could anyone live present all the time?
- You have to plan.
- You have to make money.
- You have to get kids places.
- You have to plan and organize ways to get these big things like a house and a car.
That is life right? Oh, how I tried to live in the now. I did meditation but my mind would never shut up. I tried scheduling but doesn’t that by it’s nature mean going into the future in order to fulfill a need?
A year ago, June 15th, I was supposed to die that night in the hospital, when the doctors said I had twenty six embolisms in my lungs and stage four cancer. Essentially, by the name stage four, you actually have minute by minute life expectancy, but my brain said denial. I made a choice. I was the one who was going to fight this and win. This mindset made me able to take the Chemotherapy, expect the pain, only take minimum amounts of pain killers, and suffer for a year. Why? Because, my brain believed that in order to have a long life, I must preserve my body as best I can and excess meds would kill me off faster.
After the cancer moved into my brain the diagnosis didn’t change. I just chose to accept the prognosis of daily living and accept as pain free as I can get. Now I choose Joy and love, instead of pain and suffering. This means I live in Joy every minute. I don’t need a million dollars. However, I do need a million dollars for a treatment that puts me at a better chance of living for a longer time with my family. How bizarre.
The thing that gets missed I guess, is that at any given time both living in a bit of fear, but choosing joy is best. Fear motivates us to move forward and choosing joy means I can live in the forward moments. It is always about balance.
So to some it up. If I had a million dollars I would be happy for the chance to ease my family’s mind because everyone believes that the cure is this one. If I don’t get the cure I will still be happy because I choose Joy. If my kids do anything I am happy because I choose Joy and I choose to accept them for who they are. If my husband does whatever, I choose happy. However in this case I do have some habits to want to go back and control, but I am working on it. If I screw up I choose happy because I love myself and choose not to judge anyone that includes me. I choose to only keep in my house things that bring me Joy so I don’t need too much excess stuff and I don’t need things to make me happy. It really is a choice and it happens right now. Now I understand the book and I am happy. I hope you choose happy too. However, if you don’t choose happy then I hope you choose to forgive yourself and start all over again because then you will only get better at it. I Love how everything is perfect right now. 💝