Every Day I wake up. I am most certainly grateful. I couldn’t not be grateful . I get another day. However , being grateful is not the only feelings I have. I am going through Chemo, med changes and hormone transitions . I can actually be in quite a bit of pain.
When I say a bit of pain, I am talking searing hot poker spreading across your stomach like a lazer cutting your flesh open pain.
I am talking a headache that is so bad that you can actually visualize the alien coming out of your skull pain. Then there is the mood swings. They make you so irrational that you would actually kill someone for a raspberry. I am not telling you this for sympathy. I am telling you this because I have had pain most of my life. I didn’t know where it came from but I had it. Every day became a challenge in my brain. The challenge was to live through the pain or choose to not live.
It sounds morbid and anyone who knows me would say” I can’t even imagine Brandie mentioning suicide let alone write about it.” Especially now and how happy I am, but I want to be real and I am going to be.
I am no different than any person in the world. The only difference is, someone with a white jacket and an education in statistics, has told me I have a larger chance of dying than you. Essentially, each of us has the same chance of not waking up tomorrow. That number is 50/50.
Something else I have come to realize is, each day we wake up, we each have pain. My pain, may be physical and have a name. I may also have mental pain caused by fear. Each equally painful.
Someday, the pain may become more than my reason to wake up tomorrow. I may decide I can’t handle the mental anguish of watching everybody make themselves miserable. I may decide that I am tired of the lazer poker pain. Either one, I could simply say bring on the meds and numb me. Which a lot of people do with drugs, alcohol or even video games. Or, I can just as easily take a car and drive it off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.
The difference between the two is that one may be judged by others differently in a negative way. That is sad. But it is also just as sad that we judge anyone or thing at all. Nobody knows other people’s pain. I cannot ever know what you are going through because my perspective is different. There are 7 billion people in the world with 7 billion different experiences. I live in a household of 4 people right now and I am still surprised by what each of them believe.
I have seen people convince themselves they are broke with a fully paid house, vehicle and savings. I have also seen people who could be making a fortune as a model believe they are ugly. We have an incredible ability to lie to ourselves and believe it is true. Then we live our lives as if that truth is real and we must expend our energy ,making sure other people believe it is real. Even if it being real hurts us and others. For instance, nobody needs to know they are not beautiful. Bigger than that, if you saw them the way I see everyone now, you would actually see that is true.
It is amazing to watch and sometimes disheartening. It’s even sometimes painful. You want the other person to see themselves in their pain, but they won’t. So, you point it out to them and all they do is get angry. They want their truth not yours. They need those beliefs until, once again the pain becomes too much. Then they can choose to find a way to make living worth more to them than the pain.
Some might think that if what I am saying is true than that means we have some kind of choice when we die. I can’t say I have a good answer for that. My beliefs are of my experience and as I said before, we have 7 billion different people in the world with 7 billion different life experiences. That would mean 7 billion ideas of what happens after we die. Yes there may be groups of people that kind of think the same way but not one has had an identical experience.
However I can say, the magic I have seen in the past two months, makes it very difficult to deny that there could be a doubt of a God. But that doesn’t mean I believe he has a white beard and a staff. I am simply going by my experiences.
So to challenge this I was asked, what about babies and animals? They can’t choose to die. My answer to this is, we don’t know everything and I certainly don’t. Maybe there is some grand plan preordained before we get here. Or maybe it is just babies die because it was their time. The real thing you have to think about is do you choose to question it over and over again in your mind or do you choose love? Do you choose instead of living in the pain, to take the next step so that the pain is worth the experience of life? We live each day in our own personal hell. Until we choose to do something that maybe a little pain now, but Joy when you are able to get past it. Can we live each day knowing that each day we change and grow a little? Why can’t we let others grow and be unconditionally loved for the person they are becoming, not the person you are afraid to leave behind? I know this is long but it is worth saying.
Today I saw a man in a store whom I met once. When I met him I loved him. When he flagged me down in the store, genuinely happy to see me, I was so genuinely happy to see him, I was bursting with Love for a complete stranger. Whom at that moment I would take a bullet for. Why? Only one answer. Love. Everyday I wake up because I want to love this world as God loves me. That makes the pain worth it. Because the key is, it goes both ways. How much pain are you willing to withstand to Live? How much pain is too much before you give up and Die? I personally like the first one better. I put up with so much pain to get here but now I just can’t wait to see the miracles. So I guess the answer is I am still waking up each day so apparently more than a searing hot lazer tearing open my flesh is not quite my limit yet.😉