A real day with a real me.

I used to read and listen to Dr Wayne Dyer. I liked him, because he was funny, and he put some big spiritual concepts into words I understood. Understanding faith and God is very important. The one thing that used to get my goat a little about Wayne Dyer was he always seemed so positive. I know you may be thinking “this is coming from the lady who is blowing Mary Sunshine up everyone’s asses lately. ” ( My family’s words lol). However, what I mean is he didn’t really ever seem to have really bad moments. Did he ever just have crazy human moments? Did he yell at his kids for, well geeze, the any number of things we yell at our kids for? Or, did he ever have two hour fights with his spouse because he really needed to be right?

What I realized is, just like me, he may have been so amazed by the good stuff that the everyday annoying human stuff just seemed so small and insignificant. I also know, mostly because I have taken communication courses, you are supposed to shorten and direct the message. Something I struggle with everyday. Therefore, it is possible, the other stuff didn’t really fit the message. However I am real and today was a very real day for me.

I woke up in severe pain. I may not have the physical reaction of fear because of who knows (steroids, brain lesions, enlightenment, pain meds…?!?) However, I still get the brain reaction. My thoughts go many different direction in these moments. The two most disturbing are is this me dying? And is it worth the pain?

When this happens I go to God. I sometimes take whatever pain meds I can and generally my husband does a body scan with me. (A body scan is a meditation that asks you to focus on all your body parts.) It takes a bit, but the pain generally goes away for a little while.

Today my husband left me alone for the morning. I have a habit of fear of being alone. It came from a time when I had anxiety attacks for no reason or food triggers. It was very debilitating to have a full blown panic attack. You genuinely feel like you are going to die. It was why I hated my husbands job. I felt like I needed someone with me and I didn’t want my kids to bare the burden.

The funny thing is, it is the burden of me beings sick that changed who my kids were for the good. That is why having faith is important. If I focus on my prayers, my body, my Joy. Basically anything other than my pain, than I am able to ride the wave of pain. It hurts less.

Each time the pain flared up, I went back to God and asked ” What should I do?” This happened a lot today and I was prompted to do a few dishes, eat, watch a ted ex talk, paint and go for nap.

Before, I would have gotten angry at my family for leaving such a mess.

I would have gotten mad at Ken because there was no food in the house I could eat. I would have ruined everyone else’s day, because I believed they should be doing things I think they should. Now I don’t think they should do anything. I am grateful when they do and I ask God for guidance when the stuff isn’t done. I find now that they actually do more, because they are not being nagged or feeling bad about themselves. Since they were not told what they did was wrong.

I am glad I didn’t ruin my husbands day. In turn I didn’t end up tired angry and resentful. Despite the pain, I had a good day. Then a dear friend stopped by with her three year old grandson and my husband and daughter got to play with him. Everybody is better that way. I am very grateful that I can be real and I don’t worry about much that is not important now. I really wish the same for all of you. Also the extra added bonus is. One more fear I faced with God and it was easy. I am never really alone. God Bless ❤️

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