This is an actual barely edited version of what goes on in my head. *edited for spelling and badly for punctuation*

A friend of mine asked me the most interesting question. Do you think there is a cure to Cancer? I thought for a second and said yes there are many. Essentially, anyone who has ever gone into remission has cured Cancer. Is that way going to work for everyone? No. We have already seen that’s not the case.

There are some drugs that have had better results with different Cancers. There is no one drug or treatment cure that works with all Cancers . So essentially. Once again, it is up to faith and waking up each day. The longer you wake up with no Cancer. The closer you are to the cure for you.

Wow! Just let that sync in. That means, anyone at any time, has equal possibility of having their treatment work. Just like everyone has an equal chance of not waking up in the morning. Which means you and I have equal chances of finding the cure for us, waking up in the morning, choosing fear and love, having good and bad experiences, etc…..

Yes. I am trying to do something that seems impossible. I am trying to get a specific treatment that costs a lot of money. I want this because more people have been on it and have had very good results. That just makes logical sense to me. However, there have been spontaneous remissions. There have been people on Chemo for twenty years and I could try all of those as well.

The only problem with these options are, spontaneous remission is rare and chemo and radiation for life might not be the ultimate life.

Also, they could just one day say “Brandie you have exhausted Canada’s treatment options”. Which does actually happen.

In Canada, they have a treatment plan protocol based on statistics of the possibility of life expectancy. If you fit in the diameter of the treatments they have available for your type of illness, then they do it.

For example, I have stage four cancer and it is aggressive. Treatment options that Canada have proven to work best statistically, over their two to five years testing of the FDA, will be the only ones available to me, unless I get chosen for trials. This means, once the doctor thinks that the Chemo or radiation is doing more damage than good, then we say sorry. We did all we can.

For me there are about six or seven Chemos I can have and radiation. Once you are stage four you lose many options, because they believe you have a very small chance of living. That is why I must set myself up for the highest chance of survival for the longest period of time.

I need to do this because my treatment options run out eventually. Or I should say my “free” treatments run out. The previous Oncologist suggested I had six. The newest oncologist may say more, due to it being a research hospital. Yet they still run out. This weighs on my family’s heart often. I am on my fourth treatment and some of the side effects are getting worse. If the side effects get more, or the Chemo stops working, they will switch me out again. It really is a strange race of time. How many years can you inch out and how much back end damage does that mean?

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love my medical people. I have the absolute greatest family doctor in the whole world. We had babies at the same time and she basically watched my children grow up. She is just a product of an over extended system that needs some practical changes.

I have a team of nurses and social workers, lab techs, pharmacists, etc. Who are absolutely incredible human beings for wanting to help me so much. I love each and every one of them. However, they can’t always help me because they have to deal within their restrictions.

For instance, it took me a while to get diagnosed because I was stuck with am overburdened system. If I had been able to wait the month it took to get an appointment with my family Doctor, I know she would have ordered the necessary tests , but I had fevers of 105. I was not sure waiting a month was a good idea.

To add to this. It is hard to believe you are going to live, when you have so many people telling you that you are dying. Especially, when they treat you that way.

That is why I like the blog. You can’t see me, but you read that I am up and about. You look forward to me being alive everyday, instead of worrying about me dying. I don’t sound like a dying person to you so you picture me living. It is a whole new energy perspective. When I tell people I have cancer in my brain, they immediately feel uncomfortable, but when I say it is the happiest I have ever been and I tell them how excited I am and how great they are. Well, all of a sudden they are happy for me. They have so much love that more often than not they have to hug me. It is beautiful for both of us.

I have a beautiful girl who came to my house one night selling books to get enough money for college. I see her sweet face show up in my feed all the time liking my posts. I met her for moments, but every day she is a source of Joy for me. You can not put a price on that.

I know sometimes we get upset with the circumstances that we think are wrong. Sometimes we are sent to make changes and sometimes they are placed to push us into making big changes in ourselves. Nobody knows for sure why. So, maybe you are struggling with physical pain like I do. Maybe your brain is going through an immense amount of pain right now. Maybe your boyfriend left or your kids are leaving your house. Nobody quite understands why it has to be so extreme pain. But I believe it is kind of like this famous poem called Dante’s inferno. A man gets lost in hell and has to travel through the seven gates to get out. I don’t think we are that far off. Hell seems to be a place we create here. We only have to take one step towards having faith to change that particular pain. More often than not the actual step is way easier than we think. Then we do it again the next day. The easiest root would be just to lay own and die but it is through fear and pain that we actually find Joy. When I hear the saying,”no pain, no gain” I used to fight that. But we actually do have to feel uncomfortable before we are ever going to grow. When was the last big moment you had that didn’t have a build up that was frightening? That is the whole idea of growing. You have to feel uncomfortable enough to want to change the circumstances. So Love the Mom who nags at you everyday. She might be the reason why you become Micheal Jordon.

I am also not suggesting you have to listen to everything everyone says. In fact, what I am trying to say is just accept the bad things. Don’t live there. Don’t take it to heart. If I had listened to my first oncologists I would have died my first night. I am able to bounce back from criticisms because I love myself.

When you tell me something negative or unhelpful, I know you are either coming from a place of love for me or a place of fear for you. Both of those I can forgive easily.

Give yourself a break and let people love you. In fact, love yourself. You are the only you there is and that makes you unique and precious like a diamond.

I am ending with this. You only get out of this life what you have and are willing to give. Yes the circumstances may seem steep, but my God moves mountains. Yes we have a flawed system, but who is to say my cancer is not here just because I am the one most likely to rock the boat and get someone to do something. None of us know any of these answers, but I do know this. The only way you lose at the game called life is if you stop playing the game. Stop ignoring your pain and make the big move. Your small step in faith will never be as bad as you can make up in your mind and you will always feel better about yourself when you finish. God Bless ❤️

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