I have been struggling this past weekend. I am not sure why I still have a tendency to this, but it is very ingrained. My daughter keeps telling me that I am allowed to sleep. I have a hard time with it. It makes me feel like I am sick and I don’t want to feel sick. I want to believe I am well so that I can heal. Friday I mentioned before, I was on a patch for pain that began to burn my arm. That was after I had a whole day of not being able to wake up. When I did wake up I was nauseas or heading to the bathroom. I really did question how sick I was that day. I asked God for help and my patch began to burn my arm in a lazer kind of way. So I had to rip it off.
The next day was the market. I was so lucky to have so much support that day, because I really was exhausted, but so grateful. However, I was so tired I went home and slept, not getting the chance to call the nurses again until late in the night, which made no sense.
Then came Canada day. My most forced day of them all. My daughter wanted to go to Bower ponds Canada celebration. I am not one to disappoint. I am a big advocate of push myself beyond my means. If you haven’t heard of how I actually got to this place in my life in the first place. Add to that, the longer I am away from the pain killers, the more it is messing with my brain and by the time I got home I was again tired. I was now beginning to get a little crazy.
Tuesday morning I was completely suicidal. I awoke and said I am grateful for another day and then proceeded to inform my poor husband that I would like to die because I am sad and this is too much. Luckily by this time the nurses and palliative team where back to work, and we were working on a new plan. The thing is, drugs can do a lot to your brain. One of them is replace all the good neurotransmitters that allow us to maintain a healthy outlook on life. That is why some people have to go onto medicine when they are depressed. My problems generally ran more towards the anxiety route, but I can tell you this, depression is not one I would like to experience again. I feel wholeheartedly to those who have it. It is a dark place with no hope, and no matter what way you look at it, everyone of your fears can be easily remedied by taking yourself out of the picture. The only thing that helped was my daughter reminding me that I was looking better. That there were things to look forward to and my husband and mother took me out for a walk. This was coming from a place where I knew completely what was going on and new it would pass. I again say bless those who have to deal with this on a regular basis. May they find joy again and the right support people.
Today I was bouncing in and out of control and sadness. I could at least eat and I stayed awake for half the day. But I realized that I was back to trying to control God. This is a funny little habit I have. When things start to get overwhelming in my life I pray. Then I proceed to do whatever I can to control the situation in someway. It’s like I say. Yes God please pay my bills and then I proceed to find ways to make money.
The nurses mentioned a new pain schedule and I said I will accept what they suggest. In the meantime I said things like pain stuff doesn’t work, etc. Well, those thoughts are not going to make me pain free. Also I came home from supper and I tell my daughter how much I am upset that I am tired again. She says “Mom you haven’t slept much all day. You are getting better”. I guess I have to let things go. So I give up. I am not sure why I can’t seem to let myself sleep but I am. Besides it is better to sleep right now then be depressed. If I give it to God I have to allow God to heal me. No pushing just listening. I have one job and that is to wake up and be grateful. Why do I feel the need to complicate it so much?
I guess that is what it is to be human. Two steps forward, one step back. We get there. Just the scenic route. God Bless ❤️ everyone and happy mental health.