Letting go is not something I am used to. I have mentioned many times that I am a control freak. Often that is where my pain comes from. I meditate and do yoga sometimes. You would think I would have trained myself to relax over the past 15 years, but my first response, when I am not thinking about it, is tense up and look for a solution. I guess that is why I am enjoying the affirmations right now. It is a small distraction until I can realize to get present.
Present or right now is where God lives. That is why we pray. We can only pray right now. We can only do anything right now, but we like to think in the future or the past. There is nothing wrong with it, except if we use it to escape our lives too often. We can’t live there because we live here. Also, if we want God to do the work we have to let go of our thoughts about it.
For example, in the last few weeks I decided that I was going to let go of the control of my healing and money. The first thing that informed me that I was not easily allowing this,was the repeating thoughts. I could not get over the incecent need to prepare for the market. I needed to write the blog. I must share the auction. Blah blah blah. I must control. I must be doing something right? Wrong! This is where the emotions come in. All of a sudden I did not want to write or paint. I was feeling tired. I was nauseas and experiencing all of the pain of the Chemo. Pain is an indication that I am in need of rest, laughter, meditation and fun. You can’t give when you don’t have anything left to give. I didn’t listen to my body because I was stuck in a habit loop. However, the best part about life is that if you open your mind to your habits, and choose to want to change. You get many opportunities to do so. Yesterday, I took a rest day. It was good for everyone. I spent time with my husband and daughter. I slept and watched videos of comedians that I liked. I also did mindless sketch art, that is like colouring, but you are scratching away a black film that covers the colour. The scratching is satisfying somehow. Around seven o’clock I get notified that many of of my neighbors have been working to do a bottle drive for me. I was so grateful how letting go allowed for another miracle. I don’t know why it takes me so long to let things go and let God take it, but I am human.
That is why we are so lucky to have our gauge. Our emotions are the best indicator that we are not in the right place. The only thing we need to do is recognize them. That is when it is best to take a breath and give to yourself. That can look like anything. What brings you Joy? Some suggest a walk in the sun. Some say meditation or colouring. For some it is just sitting and tasting your coffee. What ever it is, I know that if I get in a place of Joy that is when God shows up the best.
Some day’s I wonder why I do anything at all. There is a lot I don’t understand about this world . There is a lot I am sure we will never know. However, there is some things I can say I believe. It is better to have faith then to not. It is better to believe in the kindness of others than to try and do it alone. It is way better having compassion and an open mind than to have judgement. Finally, a break is necessary. I am grateful for my understanding. Some day I will get this, but until then I will laugh at my stubborness. I will give myself grace, and I will try try again. Thanks for listening. God Bless ❤️