Cancer is weird. More to the point, treatment is weird. When I say I am sad I should actually say my body is sad. My brain is having issues with emotions right now. I am generally joyful and grateful. At least my head is. I have a very strong will, however, steroid withdrawals, Chemo, Zometa (bone builder), and new meds have apparently turned my brain into mush. I am in a weird world, whereby, my body is reacting and my mind is watching it. However, my control of it is almost non existent. I have talked to a few people and apparently this has happened to a few woman in my triple negative breast cancer groups, but what a terrifying feeling that must be. I at least,have some mind to understand it a little. I can’t even imagine going through this without knowing what may be going on.
Despite the knowing, it is not fun. Yesterday morning I could not figure out how to boil an egg. I actually could not figure out how to get down the stairs first. I sat in my bed saying ”you have to eat or you will get sick. Go downstairs”. I said this repeatedly while my brain chattered around saying things like “did you take your medicine?” ” Are you sure an egg is good?” , “Don’t you have to go to the bathroom first”? I know this seems like a normal process for most people, however, for some reason it shut my body down. I couldn’t get out of bed. It was too many questions. Then I finally got downstairs and I broke down crying because I couldn’t figure out how to boil an egg. I took the eggs out and the pot.I could not figure out to put the eggs in the pot because I didn’t have the egg timer. It was like the first step I always did was shut down so I just froze. Then my body starts hyperventilating and crying. Meanwhile I don’t have any idea what is going on. This is not like a normal sad. When I am sad I feel it in my heart. This was like a bodily reaction without the feelings.
Then my husband comes down and sees what is going on. He has no idea what to do. Then the rage came. I can’t explain this rage and do it justice. It is like all of a sudden you want to demolish everything. I can envision myself throwing things and demolishing everything. I see it with my conscious mind so I don’t throw anything, but my husband is definitely in the line of fire for a tongue lashing that he doesn’t understand or deserve. However, the only way this plays itself out is if I excercise. The issue is, I haven’t eaten. If I don’t eat I get sick. It is a pattern that has happened since I started weaning off the steroids. If we screw up the routine I explode.
This time has been a little more extreme because of the Zometa. So, I must allow the reactions to happen and be grateful that I know this too shall pass. However, it leaves me kind of emobilized. I have people who ask me simple questions I can’t answer and it shuts me down. I have this online auction and a bottle drive happening that people are helping me with. I am so incredibly grateful for the help. Unfortunately, they ask me simple questions like “I have bottles for you, where can I drop them off”, and I have to pass the phone to my husband because I cannot answer them without a small mental shut down. Where exactly do I live? Are the bottles coming to us? I kid you not, I cannot answer these questions without my brain doing some kind of static shutdown. It is not all of the time. I am writing this. Although it has taken me the better part of a day and a half to do it.
I am assured that this will pass in a little while but the Zometa makes my brain swell and going down on the steroid makes my hormones crazy. It is all very explainable but it doesn’t justify how difficult it is to manage. My whole family suffers when I am not myself. It is difficult.
The greatest thing about having God and other people in my life is that a lot of the time some angel comes along and gives me their love. Yesterday I had my yoga Buddy Jaqueline, bring me to yoga, and supper. She even helped me pay for the yoga passes so I can go with her regularly. My mother and daughter took me for a walk . My friend texted me that she was thinking of me. It was nice to smile amongst the feeling of losing my mind.
I continue to do meditation, affirmations and prayers. I am still grateful to be alive. However, sometimes we need to be reminded why it is worth the pain to live another day. We also have to lean in to faith more when this is what is happening. It is easy to lose sight of the beauty that exists on the other side of the storm. So if I have replied to you and it is weird, it may be my husband replying because I am frozen. If I forget your name I am sorry. I am not sure of my own in the last few days. If I start sobbing uncontrollably or throwing things , duck😉.
What makes me feel ok about all of this is a story I was given the other day about the Dhali Lhama. The man said he was doing a science experiment and movie about meditation. Since the whole thing was going to be broadcast the film crew had to remove the water bottle labels. Apparently, on India they have a problem with water tampering. When the Dhali Lhama came in and saw they tampered with his water he got instantly angry. He said outloud how he felt. He took a deep breath and then went on with his peace. The film crew asked him about it and he said it is human to have emotions. The key is to allow and walk through them. I figure, if the Dhali Lhama can be angry than I sure as heck can walk through all of this crazy. I can still Love, and live my truth. The key is to not live in the anger or sadness. Just let it happen. I am learning everyday. God Bless❤️