I remember the night I was diagnosed stage four cancer and 26 blood clots. It was the first time someone with “authority” said I would probably not live to see another day. I couldn’t see it. There was an initial fear but the idea of dying was just not on my mind. I woke up the next day and I felt pretty good considering.
My weeks went on like that. Everyday felt like a rush against time. The doctor came in everyday to inform me, if I didn’t get an Oncologist and get Chemotherapy, than I would surely die any day. At the time it was so frustrating and terrifying. Everyday it was the prospect of losing your family. I had to watch people suffer everyday wondering if this was it. I had nurses that told me they cried in a storage room because they weren’t sure if this was it. I can’t imagine how hard that job is. My heart reaches out to those beautiful ladies everyday. I got closer to my 42nd birthday and I was scared it would be my last. They let me out of the hospital on a day pass so I could see my brother and get a photo done. I didn’t know if it was my last. There was still doubt at this time.
I had priceless visits from amazing friends and family. I was so blessed and so angry at the same time. Why me? Why now? Why why why? When the treatment came, it was even more questions. The whole process seemed daunting and the treatments really did make you feel like you were dying. Match that with an oncologist who kept saying I was dying was not helpful. It took one doctor to say I think you might be going into remission for me to feel better.
That’s when I started to see something. I had always believed in God but I did not completely understand the power of the mind and God’s place with that. At the same time I started to see a psych nurse who helped me get better at pain management through meditation. I was learning how to get closer to self actualization.
When the brain cancer happened it was a bit of a shock. I think we believed that I was well because I was stronger and doing things I always used to do. Nobody thought I would get brain metastasis and especially that fast. I learned a huge lesson that day. I have no control. Zero. Even if I try to take control a little I am shut down. It is hard to take sometimes, but I know this is my gift of learning to rely completely on faith and lean into God. I am not always easily doing this, but I am doing it. The reason why is because I wake up every morning. I know that is not something to take lightly, especially when I have woken up a couple of times when I was quite sure I was not supposed to. The night after the stomach flu when it was so bad that the doctor had to knock me out I was sure was the end. But nope, I still woke up. The day of the overdose when I was saved by God again. Still here. I don’t even question it anymore. I must still have some heart and purpose in this world because today I am 43. If you looked up triple negative breast cancer, you would quite sadly see a statistic that would break your heart in two. You would see young women who lost their lives in such a short time, it would take your breath away.
I am not a statistic though. I do not fit into a box and nor have I ever. I believe in a God who is greater than what we believe. I believe that we have power in our minds and we can choose the things we want to believe. I believe when I am weak other people are strong and they will lift me up just as much as when others are weak I would lift them. I believe in miracles. I also believe in the power of positive thoughts and gratitude. The power of forgiveness and the power of love. I am humbled and gracious for all the love people have in their hearts. It is so awe inspired sometimes. I just don’t know what to do with it. People really don’t make many moves without love. In every repremend or worry for your child, or even someone else’s child, to every paper given on healthy living. Every person that comes to you with a new article about curing cancer or everyone who helps their neighbors. If we paid attention, there really would be no hungry, homeless, or poor. There would only be compassion and love.
So, on my birthday, I would love for you to challenge yourself to see how many people are loving you. See it in your friends trying to warn you about the bottle steelers in the back yard. See it in your parents telling you to get a job. See it in the well meaning friends who want you to go Keto or drink green drinks. It is absolutely everywhere and if you put your mind to it you will be overjoyed by people. That is when you truly see God’s creation in Love.
Next week is a birthday party thrown for me by a couple who seemed to adopt me from love. I haven’t had a birthday party since I was thirty. I am looking forward to it. A barbecue and guitars. It sounds wonderful and I am grateful. Life is amazing if you let it be. It becomes so much more amazing when you let go of control and allow God to guide you. I hope that everyone has a wonderful day and is grateful to be alive. It may not be your birthday but we all have so much to be grateful for. Thanks for listening and the beautiful birthday wishes. God bless ❤️ everyone.