My Son is an amazing young man. I don’t always know how to take him sometimes. It is funny how we forget. I was probably just like him but I don’t remember. He is a bit abrasive. Spirited I guess you would say. It always seems like he is yelling at me. He informed me that is just how he talks.
Today was a hard day because my neuropathy went weird. I fell down a couple of times and then finally the whole leg went weird. I was panicking and getting even more confused. Which is not helpful when I am trying to walk. He looked at me and yelled get up and stop focusing on the pain. I am always open to things that come from well meaning people. So I obliged. I know he loves me and wants to help. He said focus on me and tell me about your day. Stop thinking about falling. I fell a couple of times but we readjusted and I relaxed. I started to focus in on my day and I told him. He asked me questions. I asked him questions. He caught me every time I went into my head. Eventually I was walking and the leg stopped. I could still feel the pain but he said this is not pain it is a mild inconvenience and pain goes away. What I realized was he had focused in right away that I was panicking. He handled my panic the same way I handled a lot of stuff in my life. When there was a crisis I would put my foot down, take control and do what was necessary to get people to do what they needed to do. I got better as I grew older with more experience. I added calmness and compassion. However, he learned most of my stuff from when I was less good at it. I have always been a coach though. I pushed people to be better. No one more than myself. This is exactly what he told me. He said stop trying to fix this. He said let it go. Let yourself be sick until you are well and do what you need to do to be happy, distracted and out of your head.
Now I am very proud of him. However, I feel a little frightened because it was that same never give up never surrender attitude that probably made me sick in the first place. So I hope he doesn’t take it to the extreme as I did. Either way he was absolutely right. I have been trying a bit too hard in the last little while. The Chemo making me fever and tired, freaked me out. I did not realize I had an unknown fear of sleeping. I am grateful for recognizing it, but it has made things difficult for the panicking. The panic is also coming from the Steroid I have had to wean off of and then increase again. It is like a guaranteed anxiety attack. I think back to when I had weaned off of the meds and I was so happy and loving. I miss that. The drugs have been a bit of a side effect crap show. I am not eating but I am still gaining weight with every steroid increase. I am getting neuropathy bad and it is traveling. I needed a little mind over matter stuff. It is funny that the person I got it from was my son. Panic just makes everything worse. I am glad he was able to see it and I was able to walk without the leg collapsing. In the end he sent me this YouTube video. Good! YOUTUBE Inspiration video.
I am grateful that God comes around in the weirdest ways. I am grateful for what Cole did. I am grateful that Ken gained some insight. It means that maybe we can bypass the next crazy side effect. Either way, I walked and I could write a blog . As the Good YouTube said, all is good. Thanks for listening.