I have always believed that you are interesting. Yes you. I mean everyone. I was the person, and still am the person, that asks why? I want to know why you do the things you do and what makes you make these decisions. I think you are fascinating. I have done this so long I can’t even remember how it started.
I am also a person that gets confused when you do things that don’t make sense to me. I have recently changed that a lot. My motto is more, “not my monkeys not my Zoo”, now. I have lost a lot more stress that way. You see, before all of this, I basically thought it was my calling in life to demask you and help you deal with what I believed was your bleak “reality. These were judgments I made from my education and my experience of patterns. Some people loved it when I did this. However, very few people want to know too much about themselves and some people are in complete denial. I now try not to do this because I don’t want to be put in a box why should I put anyone else in one? Also some people don’t want to change. Something I could never understand before. Why wouldn’t you want to get rid of what I believed was holding you back? (Yes I was arrogant).
I always wanted to change. I wanted to grow and be the ultimate specimen of a human being. I wanted to be the ultimate weight, the ultimate strength, the ultimate designer and builder, the ultimate money maker, the ultimate business owner, the ultimate brainiac, the ultimate Mother, the ultimate Wife, the ultimate friend and the ultimate leader.
Yes, perfectionism was a big problem. I was never good enough for myself. The other thing that was weird was that I did not hold any other person up to my standard. I fully believed in other people’s capabilities. I would never let anyone fail. I would lift them up to their idea of standards. “No you are not fat!” “Yes you can do it! ” “You are beautiful!” “You are great!” ” You are awesome!” Why couldn’t I do this for myself? The truth was I believed my standards where higher. It was a strange coping mechanism, but my father was very angry with women. He had gotten a divorce and blamed it on women. This was confusing for me, as I was technically a member of the female species. He dismissed that as I was better than the “normal woman”. This was a completely unintentional thing but I made myself believe that I was some kind of super woman. It took me many years to realize that I was not a “God” sent here to be the ultimate teacher. (Weird reading that out loud because it sounded like I wanted to be Jesus).
I started my journey of change around 14 years ago with holosync meditations and saying affirmations to myself. Things like “I love myself for who I am”. “I am amazing just the way I am”. I was able to change myself bit by bit. Mostly I was able to see the next steps to healing my self LP esteem.
About 7 years ago I went to a group meeting called Celebrate Recovery. I did what was called a step study and found out that I was indeed the person who tortured myself the most. I was also able to work through the God Complex. I really did become a strong believer in CR, Jesus, holosync and affirmations after that. At the time, I also ended up with a big weight loss and lower pain levels. Things only changed when we went through a big job loss and financial issues.
Another thing not everyone knows about me, is that I am quite dramatic. A few years back I was in the college taking upgrading so that I could go to school for Engineering. My big plan was to become an Engineer tech and then go back to school for Engineering when my youngest daughter went to University. Yes I was going to stalk her forever.😉 In this process I had taken a drama class. The drama class was mostly improv and that was right up my alley. I was always a make believe person but there is something else I have always been which is the key to improv. I was the wind beneath the wings. In improv, one of the big rules for success is to make the other person look good. Always say yes and run with it. I am not always great at this with life but it is my primary directive with people. I watch for facial and body clues. Then I step in when people are struggling. I am a Nova Scotian which means silence is deafening and I need to make sure that there is always a talking sound going on, even if I talk myself hoarse .
Something else funny about me is I have a strange group persona. I will become a weird dramatic comedian. I find the most absurd things and dramatically mimic it to its most absurd conclusion. For example if we were talking about the Prime Minister I would mimic him saying something like, “yes I will give you what you want and I will wear my prettiest socks with matching ethnic stereotype to seal the deal”. I will say this in a made up voice. I swear I do this naturally without thinking, so if I offend when I do this, know it is purely unintentional. I will usually laugh after I have done this as well.
You may ask why I am telling everyone this? The answer is this. I love myself today. I am 240 lbs and was seriously 250lbs last week.(The weight stuff still blows my mind). I am bald and walk like a baby. I have a restricted voice because of the Chemo. I am crazy sometimes, but I like myself. I will apologize if I have done anything to offend, but I don’t lose sleep on judgement, because I like myself. I am stubborn and fierce. I am strong willed and have martial arts training. Meaning , I will understand if you want something of mine. I will give you the clothes off my back, but if you try to hurt my family I will end up in jail and you probably won’t come out of it well. I did mention I am sometimes crazy. I will forgive because I know that forgiveness is for your heart and growth, nobody elses. I really appreciate that about me. Now you know about me and as stated beforehand, I am curious and I really want to know you. So, I am asking anyone who likes to share to tell me about you. Tell me your amazing things that make you who you are. Also I will say from experience, give yourself a break. You are worth loving. I think you are amazing just the way you are. I hope you see that too. God Bless❤️