Over the past four weeks I have been experiencing a special kind of med change. I started out with a crazy pain in my neck that radiated down my left arm and across my skull. It was a pretty severe pain and it ended me up in the hospital for Thanksgiving. I began a new med change protocol and it has been quite an experience. With every med increase I get the pleasure of losing a little bit of my mind. It starts out small with things like mild forgetfulness and then it works it way up to a full on emotional breakdown, with what I could only describe as the closest thing to dementia or Alzheimer’s that can be experienced at my young age of 43.
So far the scans have shown that I have a bulging disc and an exposed nerve. The treatment, along with the med change, was a steroid shot in my spine, however it hasn’t worked yet. I tried the Chiropractor, thanks to my Mother, who helped me pay for it. I tried stretches. I tried everything I could. Each day the pain is getting progressively worse and I am starting to lose my mind just a little bit more.
It started out with forgetfulness and then it went to being short tempered. I was then crying over the littlest thing. My psych nurse had to try and centre me by holding my hands because I couldn’t count to twelve . I was getting too confused. In the meantime I was yelling at my husband.
Ken,my husband, is struggling with this as well. He is not used to handling things . I have always been the leader in the house. I was the control freak that had everything organized and budgeted. Ken worked. After the cancer diagnosis, he had to take on roles he wasn’t great at and didn’t like. He has not been able to figure out healthy coping skills for his worry about my illness, pain and possible death. Also, my daughter having mono and struggles with anxiety is way above his mental health limits. He started to reach his breaking point in the summer. To top things off he hasn’t had the opportunity for steady work for almost a year. It is like every nightmare he could ever imagine all came at him at once and the person who has always supported him has now trouble counting to twelve on her fingers. A meditation she has done a million times before.
To make matters worse, we finally hit rock bottom in the bank account and he had to come to terms with going to work and leaving his sick, mentally challenged wife to the care of his children. He broke down and gratefully sought out help with professionals to gain better coping mechanisms and better ways to understand what is going on with me.
This is the biggest stressor for my whole household. What is actually going on with me? I have been in pain most of my life, so if you see me losing it than the pain is incredible. I hide my pain and more often than not my emotions. I have been working on being emotionally open for years, but I am still not overly great at being emotionally expressive. The meds have made me snappy and what seems like a perpetual state of anger. I am consciously grateful for everything I have but I am in so much unending pain that I have almost zero patients. My youngest daughter understands this, so I get extra hugs and affirmations of understanding and love. My husband and oldest daughter do not understand this as well. They think I am angry with them but I am not. I just can’t be around them because I can’t deal with their anxiety and keep my cool at the same time. It is literally impossible. Also they think I act like a normal person so I must be fine. They don’t see that I am not normal. I cannot do simple tasks that would have been done with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back before the treatments. For example , People call me on the phone and I can’t remember what has been said during the conversation. It is not as simple as I have forgotten your name, I have literally forgotten the whole conversation and who I am talking to, sometimes while I am talking to them. People say here is something that can help you out. I can write it down, look at it and not know what it says. People depended on me for years for my quick mind, in particular my husband. I am unable to comprehend or pull up the easiest things anymore. Things I have been doing since I was a kid. It has changed my personality completely and the final straw was the other day when I felt like killing myself. I love my family too much to ever even think of such a thing but sure enough I was so angry, sad, frustrated and in pain that my head went to suicide. I prayed and texted three people that came to my mind. I talked through my feelings and I was ok but to anyone who knows me, they would be able to see that this person who is inside my body is not me. However, most people don’t want to understand this or can’t. They treat me exactly the same as if I am perfectly well and able to do all of the things I have always done. They don’t understand that I couldn’t work if I wanted to this way. They wonder why I can’t be left alone, not realizing that I write down my meds, having alarms alert me when to take them, and I still forget if I have taken them, leading to the possibility of taking double doses. This means I can not be left alone to take my meds. Not only that but with the med changes, one mistake could put me in overdose.
I have been assured that this will all pass when my body and brain adjust but until then what are my options? Then Monday I found out that the cancer is back in my lungs and Chemo will have to recommence on Friday. With the pain I am in now and the added bonus of Chemo and Neuropathy, I am not sure what they are going to be able to do short of a bat to my brain. They are talking about an experimental pain treatment as well as an epidural nerve block but only time will tell. In the meantime, we are probably going to have to take my daughter out of school part time to homeschool, so I have someone at home to help if and when Ken goes back to work. The hardest part is with my mind the way it is right now it is very difficult to find and keep faith. That is why other people are so significant in this world.
Last week my daughter told me to find happiness by writing an imaginary Santa list. I told her that may be too hard for me right now so she said to send a Christmas wish list to Nanny (my mother) by copying and pasting stuff I would like to have, but would probably be too expensive for my Mother to give. The point of this was to kind of put things in God’s hands. To wish for something but have no real attachment to it. She said the wishing would make me smile. She was right. It was fun looking through things and wishing. One of the things I wished for was a tupperwear cheese grater I had seen at a tupperwear party that my best friend and neighbor Melissa had not only invited me too, but paid the food fees for the meals we were making that night. Tonight her daughter showed up at the door with the cheese grater in her hands as a random gift for me. I burst out in happy tears. Not only was it a beautiful and muchly appreciated gift but it was a message from God for me to keep my faith. I am still being cared for no matter how much I feel like Job from the Bible. I needed that so much. It has been hard to have to rely so much on others when I was the one who was the giver. However, I remember once a lady told me to never pass up a gift. She said it stops the flow of prosperity and it stops giving others the gift of love that comes from giving. I am grateful I have the chance for both.
Tonight was a hard blog to write. Not only am I still struggling with a clouded head and a tremendous amount of pain, but it is hard to be vulnerable sometimes. I do these posts because I know that there are others who are experiencing hardships like this or even harder. I may not be able to give much lately but I can still give you my truth and my heart. I hope that this may help people have a bit more compassion or understanding of their sick or misunderstood loved ones. I wish you all peace and good will. Mostly I wish you all love. God Bless ❤️
PS: This is my Go fund me page. Any support that is given is much appreciated and goes towards helping my family survive and fight for a cure that is not yet available to me in Canada. My goal is to live and this medicine is the only known treatment that puts woman with Triple Negative Breast Cancer into remission. Thanks again for all of your support and Prayers
PS2:To help my family make money we sell a health product that I support because it helps me have coffee again without being sick. This Healing coffee is akaline and has nutrients in it. I also use some of the detox stuff to help with the Chemo. If you are interested in helping and enjoying a healthy coffee please check out our company website. Thanks so much for your support and God Bless ❤️😊