“Mom! You are not positive enough”

Having teenagers is a constant game of maneuvering the emotional roller coaster. I seriously never know who I am coming home to sometimes. I often get pounced at for no real reason other than they had to much sugar at lunch. It is a lot like having two year olds. I remember the days that I would see a sippy cup go dancing through the air because they wanted grape juice instead of apple. If I missed their nap time by minutes I had an unruly baby that couldn’t sleep but was so tired he/she was beside themselves with grief. I can tell you this much, I never in a million years would have imagined that I would have to be dealing with all of the teenage hormones while being partially delayed from brain damage due to Cancer.I am almost as reactive as my teenagers. Worse than that, I am not able to think things through as fast.So it effects me physically. I literally get nausea from stress. It is almost as though my body has decided it does not want to deal with anything else. So it will just make me throw up. Nothing stops an emotional event faster than a porcelain potty party. In fact, nausea is the way my body likes to set the alarm for everything. I am feeling pain; nausea. I feel stress; nausea. The radio is too loud; nausea. The cat box is not done;nausea. You would think that I was crying wolf, but I really feel nauseated a huge portion of my day. I have recognized, it is much easier to deal with the cause rather than bulk up on anti-nauseants. Although sometimes that is easier said than done.

Yesterday I was verbally attacked in the kitchen because I was “not being positive enough”. Now , I accepted that she was right. The heavy antibiotics was making my pain meds not work and very well could have been messing with my steroids. For me that always means psycho Brandie. I keep telling people the real Brandie is a nice person, but sometimes I start to forget that person, because it had been so long since I have seen her. Lately, it has been a lot of tired, cranky, moody Brandie. My daughter is probably very right by her judgment of my positivity. I would just rather be informed of it in a human manner. Like maybe a “Hey Mom, maybe you would feel better if you recognized more positive actions instead of seeing all of the doom and gloom”. Really, virtually anything said in a calm voice would have not triggered me like a direct loudly interupted “Geeze Mom why are you always negative. You never point out the good stuff. You always tell us what we can do better and you never appreciate anything we do”. First off, I hate the words never and always. Nobody has a hundred percent track record for anything. Also, probably no more than maybe a month ago or less, this same child told me that she was so lucky to have me because no other parent appreciates their kids as much as I do. It is like living with doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde. However, she has indirectly attacked me three or four times in the last two days. This is a problem because as I noted above, stress makes me vomit. Which was another reason behind the attack. She doesn’t like that I am so negative all the time and I keep saying that this or that makes me feel like throwing up. She can’t get it in her mind that this is a real thing. I am saying I am going to be sick because it means I need a vomit bag. I still think my family has a hard time believing that I have Cancer.

I am informed daily that I need to rest. “Go to sleep. Take a nap.” Virtually every person I see, even some people I don’t even know inform me that I need to sleep. What they don’t understand is rest is so much more than just sleep. I sometimes need to do things I love and that means that I need help setting up those things. For instance, sometimes it means setting up patterns for sewing. Sometimes I need my easel set up with paints. Sometimes it means I need ideas because I cannot  plan things in my addled brain after dealing with multiple appointments and matching amounts of drugs. Unfortunately, having me just lay down is easier for them. They don’t want to be lazy it’s just human nature. They don’t love my down time activities and I am not a you tube, tv, lay down and do nothing kind of person. I am not sure why any of this is hard to get through, it just is. Everyone is different. But I am still alive today. This means I still have time to figure this stuff out and so do they. I am grateful for that. It is so sad how easy it is for people to feel like so many things are a burden and forget that we are so gifted. For me, every day is new and sometimes that means a new challenge. For instance, how to grab the mail across the street, in cold weather, with three dogs attached to you, when you are falling down on a good day is a challenge. Trying to find things in a sewing room that was newly designed by your husband is a challenge. I don’t always handle these challenges well, but I am grateful I get the chance to work through them. We too often want to take the easy way out but where is the fun in that? I wish that people realized that they don’t do themselves any favors buy cutting corners in life. We have time to do anything worth doing. We have big hearts willing to help people in things we like doing. The key is to find the people who want to help you, rather than those that feel obligated to help you. Obligation is done with half a heart. It is like the story in the Bible about Martha the Martyr. If Martha tended to her own love, without expectations, she would be happy instead of controlling. We all have so much to learn. Until this is a habit, I am going to try to be more gracious and less opinionated . I want each day to be a light to my family and I can’t be that way if I am too busy giving instructions for the hundredth time on how to load a dishwasher. God Bless and may your patients out last your child’s teen years and may you have the ability to breath, meditate, and maybe have a glass of wine if it gets too much. 😉❤️