So, today I recognized something very important. In the past week, after doing three hours of chemo, I came home and passed out on the living room floor. I felt terrible about sleeping. My daughter said I slept for forty minutes and it felt like a whole day was slept away. The next day I made sure I didn’t fail myself, so I made two dog harnesses.
Then I put together a queen size bed set. Pillowcases and quilt with the help of my family.
Then to top it off I made three Pocket Puppy Porters. Aka a cuddly wrap but different. I changed the design a bit but basically I love these things to carry my puppies when the walks get too long. I tell everyone that it is hard being a little puppy. She takes ten steps to our one. We carry her when she gets tired and these wraps are the best for that. My friends wanted them for their upcoming grand babies. I was thrilled to make them, because this wrap was one of my favorite things when I had babies. I still tell everyone how I carried my daughter around Disney world with a wrap like that. I love them. To top that off, Disney reminded me about a dress I got there. It was one of my favorite things. So I took my dress and replicated it. In a week I made a quilt, a dress, three wraps , two pillow cases and two dog harnesses. I also wrote, dog trained,dog walked, visited my neighbor, finished my signs and made two statue crafts. I also did seven loads of laundry and helped keep house. I have never looked back and looked at what a week looked like for me. Hello I am Brandie and I am a workaholic. I said it out loud today and my daughter laughed to tears. She said finally Mom you got it. I knew I had a little over achiever in me but I am bordering on crazy obsessive. I say that I am not your normal Cancer patient . However, this is getting crazy. I am avoiding pain. This is how I do it. It is wrong. Avoidance doesn’t work and I know better. However, when you are wrapped up in the hurricane you have created you can’t see you are creating it. I needed to see that. In the last few weeks I have been upset by the way my oncologist has treated my Cancer. She likes to inform me about how little time I have. To a person who is like me, it means I have to get forty years of work done in the next few weeks. Impossible and wrong. She has no idea who I am and what I can do. I loathe that my brain still gets affected by other people’s opinions. But alas I am human. I am grateful I figured it out though. Maybe I can make a more reasonable schedule and stop passing out from exhaustion. My floor is not that comfortable. I guess my lesson this week is to slow down. I am not dying today. Nothing is that important that I have to kill myself doing it. Even if I love making the stuff, I can still do things without having to do everything at the same time. No wonder why my head is so garbled. I may just need to slow down and get a bit more organized. Even writing this I am falling asleep. I need perspective and personal grace. It really is easy to go back to old habits. I am grateful for the perspective. I will be more graceful next week. Maybe I will only write a book and finish two or three dog harnesses or pjs. Now I think I may take a nap. Or go to bed for the night because I can do that. It is crazy the things I forget that I can do. So goodnight everyone. This workoholic is going to stretch, meditate and go to bed. So be kind to yourselves and learn from my mistakes. You don’t have to work so much that you are passing out on the floor when you sit down to play with your puppies. I am changing the things that I can. Namaste everyone. God Bless 🙏