Holy Yoga

Yesterday evening I tried my first Holy Yoga. A friend, and a genuinely beautiful person named Marri, asked me if she could do the yoga special as a fundraiser for my family. I am still bona fide overwhelmed by the kind hearts that exist and how God chooses to use them. I am very grateful and blessed. Marri invited me and my daughter to join her and I have to admit I was happy but a little apprehensive. I love yoga but I am still physically unable to do some yoga positions and some faster yoga sets. I wanted to try it though so after having Marri assure me that there would be no acrobatics I was on my way with my big green yoga mat.

Now I am going to tell you a secret about myself that is a little bit of my vulnerability sticking out, so please be kind. Since I had been laying in bed for essentially a year, my sphincter muscles may not be a strong as they used to be. I lost a little bit of my keagle strength as well. So for years I wouldn’t go to any active moving yoga because of these issues. Active means less concentration on clinching. I started attempting to reastablish yoga back in my life by doing it in my house. Now if you haven’t figured out where I am going with this I will quit the suspense right now and come right out with it. Whenย  I do yoga I fart. I try not too but I really have less control over this bodily function than I did when I was younger. However, butt up in the sky squeezing your abs tight is just a rocket ship waiting to happen.

Once in my bedroom, my daughter and I were doing yoga with candles on and I swear to you I blew air so hard out of my bottom area that it put the candles out two feet away. To make my condition a little more sexy, I have pushing incontinence from having babies. So if I sneeze or bare down in any way I pee. When I was coughing with the lung clots, I got so tired of changing pads that I started wearing depends diapers. So you can see why I may be a little apprehensive about going out into public and attempting something that may guarantee me humiliation? Well having a life and friends are worth it, so I took the leap. And to answer your question yes I may have had a few squeezers in holding my knees to my chest but it didn’t take anyone out and we didn’t have to evacuate the building. I must be getting stronger muscles. ๐Ÿ˜ Sorry to anyone who had to sit beside me.

We started the yoga nice and easy. I was happy about that. Not only was I not ready for vigorous anything but I was really enjoying the music. I found the Christian music refreshing and the Bible quotes nice markers to keep the mind grounded. It was very refreshing to have yoga done this way. I know a number of Christ followers who feel repelled by yoga because it was first practiced as a religious exercise. This was unfortunate because I find yoga such an excellent stress reliever and beautiful core exercise experience. Holy Yoga combines the best of two world and is down with deep love and understanding. The first words I was told was if I feel pain in anyway then I could shavasana (sleep) the whole time and she would wake me up when we finished. I am glad to say I made it through with no wake up calls necessary. In fact the only issues I really had was with my balance. We went into star pose and I could not catch my balance. I grabbed my daughter so many times to not fall down that she burst out laughing causing the lady beside me to chuckle lightly and of course fall a little as well.๐Ÿ˜‰

I guess all I can say is that Holy Yoga is the bomb. It is light exercise and stretching for all ages with no stigma. Nice ladies coming together to learn to fall in love with themselves and their bodies. An instructor who is passionate about sharing her love at a reasonable price in a great and easy to park location. She will be running two more this year at the Jazzercise studios in the 76 centre on Thursday nights at 720pm.

I am already being honored such a gift from being able to do this yoga but Marri has also collected me some gift certificates that helped my family tremendously with food and we were able to get the dogs a few bones to help with training and a couple of subway and Tim Hortons coffee dates because of the generous people who couldn’t come but dropped off donations to help us out at Christmas time. I am just so grateful for the kindness of strangers. So I ask, any of my Christian friends who didn’t want to try out yoga for their fear of false God worship, please come try this out. It is so beautiful listening to Paul’s words on love while stretching in babies pose. It is a beautiful way to meditate on the Bible. For those who don’t care. Come for the people , the music and the passion of Marri to give something wonderful to her beloved community. Thanks for listening and for all of your prayers and support for my family.

As some of you may know that my husband had to go back to work anywhere he could because we literally have used up every savings, credit card, money making ideas we have. My 13 year old daughter had to come home from school to make sure I am not home alone, since my memory issues make me a bit of a danger to myself when it comes to money recollection and cooking but also my med increases means I have to have someone around in case of overdose.

We are working on things but it really is a great blessing to me when friends like Marri take on some of my burden and try to help us financially. My beautiful friend Donna takes me to Chemo appointments and is always giving me things to help keep my spirits up. She is my biggest art fan and the best hugger. My Mom takes me for walks and her husband makes sure I get to the hospital even if it means he has to wait around for an hour long MRI. My neighbor Melissa and her children are often finding things for us to do with them so we don’t get lost or forgotten. When Twitter strangers give us gifts because they have huge hearts it means so much to me and my family. When my scared and struggling depressed daughter had a smile because her boyfriend and his family are offering to pay for her medication because our coverage was dropped by a clerical error it gives me Hope. When a team from across the country collect money for me because they saw my story on her line. I just can’t tell you how warm it makes my heart. People mean so much more than they will probably ever really know or understand. So come to yoga next Thursday and let me hug you. I am so grateful for all of beautiful human beings. Peace be with you. Amen๐Ÿ™

PS: This is my Go fund me page. Any support that is given is much appreciated and goes towards helping my family survive and fight for a cure that is not yet available to me in Canada. My goal is to live and this medicine is the only known treatment that puts woman with Triple Negative Breast Cancer into remission. Thanks again for all of your support and Prayers

PS2:To help my family make money we sell a health product that I support because it helps me have coffee again without being sick. This Healing coffee is akaline and has nutrients in it. I also use some of the detox stuff to help with the Chemo. If you are interested in helping and enjoying a healthy coffee please check out our company website. Thanks so much for your support and God Bless โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š.

What happens when you lose your mind?;!

Over the past four weeks I have been experiencing a special kind of med change. I started out with a crazy pain in my neck that radiated down my left arm and across my skull. It was a pretty severe pain and it ended me up in the hospital for Thanksgiving. I began a new med change protocol and it has been quite an experience. With every med increase I get the pleasure of losing a little bit of my mind. It starts out small with things like mild forgetfulness and then it works it way up to a full on emotional breakdown, with what I could only describe as the closest thing to dementia or Alzheimer’s that can be experienced at my young age of 43.

So far the scans have shown that I have a bulging disc and an exposed nerve. The treatment, along with the med change, was a steroid shot in my spine, however it hasn’t worked yet. I tried the Chiropractor, thanks to my Mother, who helped me pay for it. I tried stretches. I tried everything I could. Each day the pain is getting progressively worse and I am starting to lose my mind just a little bit more.

It started out with forgetfulness and then it went to being short tempered. I was then crying over the littlest thing. My psych nurse had to try and centre me by holding my hands because I couldn’t count to twelve . I was getting too confused. In the meantime I was yelling at my husband.

Ken,my husband, is struggling with this as well. He is not used to handling things . I have always been the leader in the house. I was the control freak that had everything organized and budgeted. Ken worked. After the cancer diagnosis, he had to take on roles he wasn’t great at and didn’t like. He has not been able to figure out healthy coping skills for his worry about my illness, pain and possible death. Also, my daughter having mono and struggles with anxiety is way above his mental health limits. He started to reach his breaking point in the summer. To top things off he hasn’t had the opportunity for steady work for almost a year. It is like every nightmare he could ever imagine all came at him at once and the person who has always supported him has now trouble counting to twelve on her fingers. A meditation she has done a million times before.

To make matters worse, we finally hit rock bottom in the bank account and he had to come to terms with going to work and leaving his sick, mentally challenged wife to the care of his children. He broke down and gratefully sought out help with professionals to gain better coping mechanisms and better ways to understand what is going on with me.

This is the biggest stressor for my whole household. What is actually going on with me? I have been in pain most of my life, so if you see me losing it than the pain is incredible. I hide my pain and more often than not my emotions. I have been working on being emotionally open for years, but I am still not overly great at being emotionally expressive. The meds have made me snappy and what seems like a perpetual state of anger. I am consciously grateful for everything I have but I am in so much unending pain that I have almost zero patients. My youngest daughter understands this, so I get extra hugs and affirmations of understanding and love. My husband and oldest daughter do not understand this as well. They think I am angry with them but I am not. I just can’t be around them because I can’t deal with their anxiety and keep my cool at the same time. It is literally impossible. Also they think I act like a normal person so I must be fine. They don’t see that I am not normal. I cannot do simple tasks that would have been done with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back before the treatments. For example , People call me on the phone and I can’t remember what has been said during the conversation. It is not as simple as I have forgotten your name, I have literally forgotten the whole conversation and who I am talking to, sometimes while I am talking to them. People say here is something that can help you out. I can write it down, look at it and not know what it says. People depended on me for years for my quick mind, in particular my husband. I am unable to comprehend or pull up the easiest things anymore. Things I have been doing since I was a kid. It has changed my personality completely and the final straw was the other day when I felt like killing myself. I love my family too much to ever even think of such a thing but sure enough I was so angry, sad, frustrated and in pain that my head went to suicide. I prayed and texted three people that came to my mind. I talked through my feelings and I was ok but to anyone who knows me, they would be able to see that this person who is inside my body is not me. However, most people don’t want to understand this or can’t. They treat me exactly the same as if I am perfectly well and able to do all of the things I have always done. They don’t understand that I couldn’t work if I wanted to this way. They wonder why I can’t be left alone, not realizing that I write down my meds, having alarms alert me when to take them, and I still forget if I have taken them, leading to the possibility of taking double doses. This means I can not be left alone to take my meds. Not only that but with the med changes, one mistake could put me in overdose.

I have been assured that this will all pass when my body and brain adjust but until then what are my options? Then Monday I found out that the cancer is back in my lungs and Chemo will have to recommence on Friday. With the pain I am in now and the added bonus of Chemo and Neuropathy, I am not sure what they are going to be able to do short of a bat to my brain. They are talking about an experimental pain treatment as well as an epidural nerve block but only time will tell. In the meantime, we are probably going to have to take my daughter out of school part time to homeschool, so I have someone at home to help if and when Ken goes back to work. The hardest part is with my mind the way it is right now it is very difficult to find and keep faith. That is why other people are so significant in this world.

Last week my daughter told me to find happiness by writing an imaginary Santa list. I told her that may be too hard for me right now so she said to send a Christmas wish list to Nanny (my mother) by copying and pasting stuff I would like to have, but would probably be too expensive for my Mother to give. The point of this was to kind of put things in God’s hands. To wish for something but have no real attachment to it. She said the wishing would make me smile. She was right. It was fun looking through things and wishing. One of the things I wished for was a tupperwear cheese grater I had seen at a tupperwear party that my best friend and neighbor Melissa had not only invited me too, but paid the food fees for the meals we were making that night. Tonight her daughter showed up at the door with the cheese grater in her hands as a random gift for me. I burst out in happy tears. Not only was it a beautiful and muchly appreciated gift but it was a message from God for me to keep my faith. I am still being cared for no matter how much I feel like Job from the Bible. I needed that so much. It has been hard to have to rely so much on others when I was the one who was the giver. However, I remember once a lady told me to never pass up a gift. She said it stops the flow of prosperity and it stops giving others the gift of love that comes from giving. I am grateful I have the chance for both.

Tonight was a hard blog to write. Not only am I still struggling with a clouded head and a tremendous amount of pain, but it is hard to be vulnerable sometimes. I do these posts because I know that there are others who are experiencing hardships like this or even harder. I may not be able to give much lately but I can still give you my truth and my heart. I hope that this may help people have a bit more compassion or understanding of their sick or misunderstood loved ones. I wish you all peace and good will. Mostly I wish you all love. God Bless โค๏ธ

PS: This is my Go fund me page. Any support that is given is much appreciated and goes towards helping my family survive and fight for a cure that is not yet available to me in Canada. My goal is to live and this medicine is the only known treatment that puts woman with Triple Negative Breast Cancer into remission. Thanks again for all of your support and Prayers

PS2:To help my family make money we sell a health product that I support because it helps me have coffee again without being sick. This Healing coffee is akaline and has nutrients in it. I also use some of the detox stuff to help with the Chemo. If you are interested in helping and enjoying a healthy coffee please check out our company website. Thanks so much for your support and God Bless โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š

Experience Life

Today I was asked to go to a vision board making group. I had made vision boards before but I thought why not. I am not sure what I had better to do and life is about experience right? So I went along. I love going along. Life is not lived in fear of new things. I love meeting new people. It makes me recognize that people are all in different stages of their lives and I am glad to have a small part of it in someway most of the time. Sometimes I know why I am in a situation. Usually it is to learn something, but sometimes I believe God puts me into places to have others learn from me. Like the gym for instance.

I go to the gym as often as I can. It usually works out to around three to five times a week but there has been more and less. I don’t do a heavy workout but I do at least 30minutes on the elliptical Trainer and or the stationary bike. Then I do some yoga and or weights for 20 min depending on my energy level.

I do this for me to feel better. You are not sick when you are on an elliptical Trainer right? Or at least that is what I tell myself. I meet people at the gym sometimes and people do the most beautiful things. People look me in the eyes and put their hands together to signal praying for me. Women stop me in the locker room to tell me how I make their workouts better because they figure if I can show up so can they. I have a beautiful man that sits with us most mornings in the massage chairs who told me when I was gone last week it worried him. He looks forward to seeing me everyday because he is inspired by me. I feel blessed to be used by God to help these people. By my experiences other people get their own. What a wonderful world.

Along with experiencing new things I am a big advocate for giving experiences to others. I wrote before about giving the trip of a lifetime to my Grandmother. I get unexpected things out of helping others to have amazing experiences. This week I was able to do two things. The first was a trip to Edmonton space science centre to a Marvel Comics exhibit. My daughter told me about it and we knew we had to take the time to help my husband see his favorite hero’s.

He was like a kid the whole time. He got to pretend he was ironman. He literally stood in line with a bunch of kids to do it. I never knew much about Marvel Comics but I learned a lot of new things. It was really interesting. I almost wanted to go out and buy a comic book.

Next we were offered an opportunity to rescue a deaf puppy. I have to say, if you know us as a family we are suckers for sick, harmed, abused or hard to adoot animals. Our cat Mama was thrown out pregnant and literally almost threw herself and her kittens under my car to be rescued. To this day she does not move very far from the front door because she never wants to live alone again.

My daughter wanted this puppy deep in her soul so we travelled to get it. I am not experienced in training a deaf dog but I would assume there are precious few who are. I was asked what would happen if I died? Who would train the dog then? I really don’t plan on dying but if that came about I have a lot of trust in my youngest daughter who has an animal whisperer gift like my self and who is going to primarily take care of the dog. I have also been asked if I need the extra stress of a puppy? I must say, for me alone, there is nothing more entertaining and now inspiring than a puppy. It keeps you on your toes and your mind fresh. I am not worried. I knew if it was going to be a problem I would have felt it. I didn’t feel any fear at all. This was supposed to be mostly my daughter’s experience but so far I have felt nothing but Joy and education from this Puppy. I now recognized that I rely heavily on my voice with the animals. Frosty (named by my daughter) just looks at me like I am an interesting mouth moving care giver that she likes a whole lot because I carry food around with me.

An unexpected gift that came from this was my larger senior dog ran in the back yard for the first time since we lost our other little senior dogs. We were sure that Buddy was depressed and in pain. Today he acted young again. I am grateful. I am not sure what a new dog in our house means but I see that it is going to be a positive challenge and a blessing for all of us. Maybe it will even teach me to talk less.๐Ÿ˜‰ Nah I like my voice too much. I guess what I want to say today is this. Say yes to knew experiences. It just might be a beautiful gift for you. Say yes to helping others experience new things because other people’s Joy is beautiful. And of course love your animals and take care of them. They may be the biggest blessing you have. โ™ฅ๏ธ God Bless
everyone ๐Ÿ˜Š

PS: This is my Go fund me page. Any support that is given is much appreciated and goes towards helping my family survive and fight for a cure that is not yet available to me in Canada. My goal is to live and this medicine is the only known treatment that puts woman with Triple Negative Breast Cancer into remission. Thanks again for all of your support and Prayers

PS2:To help my family make money we sell a health product that I support because it helps me have coffee again without being sick. This Healing coffee is akaline and has nutrients in it. I also use some of the detox stuff to help with the Chemo. If you are interested in helping and enjoying a healthy coffee please check out our company website. Thanks so much for your support and God Bless โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š

When it rains it pours.

It has been a weird week! I recieved a bunch of news that would be considered terrible to most, but I am a believer in something bigger than myself, so I am grateful for my faith. We were given notice that I was removed from AISH ( Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped ) for a clerical misunderstanding. They informed us that we probably wouldn’t have been accepted from the beginning of they had they figured it out in the beginning. Because of this, I was not only taken off of subsistence, but I was also handed a $10400.00 bill and we lost our family health coverage. As you all may know, due to my side effects of the cancer meds, I am still not able to run a household. Also our only money comes from donations, some fund raising done with the help of my wonderful neighbors and some sales of t shirts and paintings. Due to the AISH shutting us down we were also informed that my stair rail lift was also declined from another agency and I also lost my CPAP machine that was helping me sleep. Therefore, I can no longer look forward to taking regular baths or showers, when my neuropathy makes me sort of paralysed on my feet and hands, and sleeping will again be a challenge. I get to do sponge baths unless I get help up the stairs by someone. The stairs on a good day are quite difficult for me. Due to all of this Ken had to go back to work. We are literally down to the last of our money and all of our credit cards are almost maxed. We owe money to what seems like everyone. It seems so very hopeless.

I also received a phone call today that informed me I was taken off of the trial list for an immunotherapy drug. Apparently I don’t have the genes they are looking for called BRCA1 and BRCA2. This is good news for one reason. It means I may not have a genetic component that would have passed to my children. However, it also means I am back to a life of Chemo until Canada passes the immunotherapy here for my Cancer. It is used for some treatments but not my class of Cancer. Which was the reason why we started the markets to begin with. So I could possibly pay the $17000.00 a month for the treatment. I guess that never really in the cards. We were unable to make $1000 a month let alone $17000.

My husband has been angry over this. I understand his emotions. Canada may be a free health care system but it doesn’t account for all of the extra strains it cost people that many people wouldn’t even think of. I am not angry. I was sad for a moment and overwhelmed with it all coming at once, but I realized that this is just one more chance to believe.

I believe that God will give us the people we need to help me run the house without ruining myself. I believe that the money will sort itself out somehow. I believe that I will be able to get up the stairs by myself eventually. Already I found a couple of knee braces that help me do the stairs a little easier and my neuropathy has been mild lately. I believe that people will pick me up if I fall and call 911 if necessary. I believe my kids will step up and help out more. I believe that I will get strong enough that I will forget that the Cancer exists. I believe if God wants me to take the medicine to heal me than the money will show up or the cure will somehow.

I think this may be a great opportunity to allow others to give to me. I know that sounds selfish, but I get great Joy from giving, I would not want to take that opportunity away from others. I guess what I am saying is these hardships may be the push my family and I need to change. Our house has become deep in depression lately because I have had to sleep a lot. They are not used to seeing me like this. I am becoming worse at hiding my pain. I know I shouldn’t do that but I hate seeing my family worried and sad. So I have become accustomed to not expressing how sick or in pain I really feel. However, the med withdrawals have made it impossible not to see what is going on with me because I am not eating, I am crying, and I am throwing up. You can’t hide those things easily. I know I am getting better though, because I can eat a little more each day. That is why no matter how scared Ken is about leaving me alone sick, he has the hope that I am getting better.

I heard the other day, if you are breathing than you have a purpose on this Earth. I hope that also means that if I live my purpose than everything else will be taken care of. So I will find my happy place. I will keep waking up and I will live my purpose, what ever that might be. I am still not entirely sure about that yet. There is no reason to hold on to any anger over things I have zero control over. I will continue to have faith and believe. God Bless โค๏ธ Everyone. I wish you all great Health, Wealth and Prosperity.

PS: This is my Go fund me page. Any support that is given is much appreciated and goes towards helping my family survive and fight for a cure that is not yet available to me in Canada. My goal is to live and this medicine is the only known treatment that puts woman with Triple Negative Breast Cancer into remission. Thanks again for all of your support and Prayers

PS2:To help my family make money we sell a health product that I support because it helps me have coffee again without being sick. This Healing coffee is akaline and has nutrients in it. I also use some of the detox stuff to help with the Chemo. If you are interested in helping and enjoying a healthy coffee please check out our company website. Thanks so much for your support and God Bless โค๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Š

Give it away

Something that is taught in almost all of the different religions and spiritual teachings, yet seems the most difficult thing to do is giving . That means giving away stuff, time and money. We have it in our heads that we deserve what we have. We paid our dues. We worked hard. Why shouldn’t we enjoy the fruits of our labors? Why should we share? It’s the deserve word that really messes things up for us. What do we really deserve anyways? Does a starving child in Africa deserve their fate? Does a young woman in an abusive relationship deserve her beatings? Does a mother with children and a husband deserve to be poor, battling Cancer, and have a family dealing with depression and anxiety ? There has been so many things happening over the last few weeks, you would wonder if I was Hitler in my former life. The thing is God believes we all deserve love. So than why are there so many people suffering? I believe it has something to do with our belief that things belong to us and we are not interested in giving what we “own” away.

I had two amazing Grandmothers. Nanny Mercer and Nanny Doyle. These women would and have given their last dime away to someone who needed it more than them. My Nanny Doyle was so poor that she had to make crochet potholders with donated wool to have her children sell for food. She always ate last. If there was nothing left she would starve.

My Nanny Mercer left her husband because he hurt one of her children. This was when there was no social assistance programs. She worked two jobs to make sure her children were fed and clothed. She exhausted herself to keep her children safe from abuse. This was a woman who grew up in an orphanage. She was never cared for by a parent who loved her. So she spent as much time as she could, doing for her kids what she didn’t have. She even fed the neighbors kids homeade fudge because she wanted them to have treats as well.

Nanny Mercers favorite thing was Christmas. In fact both my Nannies adored Christmas. Nanny Mercer would save up every cent she had to make sure everyone had presents. We would play cards and eat everything you could imagine. She made about 9000 dollars a year and probably spent a quarter of it on Christmas. She also did something I never forgot. She would give money away at Christmas. Why would a woman that had absolutely minimal money give money away? I asked her about it when I was older and she told me that tithing was a rule by God. Money doesn’t belong to you it belongs to God for his purpose. That is why she gave stuff away all the time. If you wanted it and she had it, it was yours.

My other Grandmother was the same. If she had it to give she would do her best to give it to you. I believe neither one of them deserved the poverty life. Their hearts deserved a mansion with maids and errand boys that fed them grapes. But alas, less than ten percent of the population owns 90 percent of the wealth and they were not that 10 percent. Each one of those ladies deserved way more than gold, but they were content with their families being happy and taken care of. They were happy to give it all away for love.

One of the best experiences of my life was when I somehow convinced my Nanny Mercer to come to my home in Alberta. She wouldn’t fly, so I had to buy her train tickets. She had a stop in Toronto over night so I put her in a hotel with a king sized bed. She had never slept in a bed that big in her life. I called her when she was there and she told me she needed to go swim in her gigantic bed. When she got here she told me about foods she always wanted to try so I gave her everything she wanted. She literally had cheesecake every night for a week. She had her photo taken at West Edmonton Mall.

She had never been so happy in her entire life. When she was in West Edmonton mall we rented her an electric wheelchair. I swear in about twenty minutes of learning it she was driving like a drag car racer. She was giggling as she nearly pushed people into the water. It was one of the best weeks of my life and I wished that I could have done the same with my Nanny Doyle. That year we had passed on our own vacation to make my Nannies dream come true. She had never been on a vacation outside of Nova Scotia because she was afraid of planes. I would pass up all of the vacations if I could make people that happy. It was like the more I gave to her the happier I was.

Through out my life I have made it a point to give. Give of my time, my money, my food and sometimes my home. I do this because I believe that we are not deserving of anything. We are blessed by it. This is why I can be grateful, even when there doesn’t seem to be much to be grateful for. There always is something if you pay attention. I just wish the world would understand this. If we all gave away what was needed to other people, we would not only see a world without hunger, but also a world that had an abundance of love. Because, when you give it away with love in your heart, the joy that comes back to you is so much bigger. So if you are given the choice to hold on to what you feel you deserve or give it away to someone who needs it more, I suggest you give it away. It will be worth it I promise. Giving is the gift that keeps on giving . Thanks for giving me your time and consideration. God Blessโค๏ธ

As always, our Go fund me page. Any support given is much appreciated. Thanks again for your support ๐Ÿ˜Š

If you want to try the Healing challenge with me or if you like the looks of any of our products than please visit our website. Thanks so much for your support ๐Ÿ˜Š