After 20 years of pain and a Diagnosis of Stage four triple negative breast Cancer. I was informed I had a forever Cancer because I would have to be on treatments forever or I would die. This is my story coming to terms with Day by Day life. Now I have let go of my fears and choose to live Day by Day Loving myself, being myself and loving others for being themselves. Welcome to my Journey.
A similar story my Nane used to say was well shit happens, and it absolutely does. You are frolicking one minute that oopsie row. Tonight I listened to a child screaming about a miscarriage she was or may not take. More method is like a royal velvet noose . I would give away all I head for such a noose. I would give it to spend more time with my babies. People just don’t know what the they want . I want 10 plus or more of my babies babies. I wanta day with out pain. I want dance class and tourneys. I wanta puggle and a small business that pays pills. I wanta dig the pays rent. Trustme,a look in little puggletime would be heaven.Right now I am looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. It’s heated and scary. Noone knows who wins. I just ask to breath. Some on way more. Some want want win. I want to survive. I want my babies. So when you fear anything anymore just remember someone is going to want some thing they may not have. Give them compassion. You may find that God pays. God’s blessings.
So now the question is when will I die? The issue that comes with a terminal illness is it is a great big boot in the bum to live. How crappy it is that you get the chance to live like you were dying and someone tries to cut that short. I don’t want it to be short. I need more time. I just discovered love. I always thought I knew love before but I didn’t. Love came to me in a package of a puppy named Dixie. Dixie is deaf and licks my brain. Every morning I wake up to a puppy jumping on me and licking my face. She licks my nose and sometimes when she licks, her tongue goes up my nose. Gross yes, but I love it, because I love her. She doesn’t know she is gross, she just loves me so much that she must take the first layer of skin off of my face for a memento each day. Why is it important for you to know this? Here is why. Before all of this I was riddled with control issues. Dogs do not lick. Especially not the face. I have Cancer and I am on Chemo. Do you know where that tongue has been? But I love her. I have progressively gotten so much better at love that I suprise myself. The thing is Love does not give a rats butt where the tongue has been. Just so long as it is attached to the life that is Dixie.
Did I mention that Dixie is deaf? That is quite a challenge trying to teach a dog that is deaf. She doesn’t seem to listen to my demands. (Pause for bad joke laughter here😉). At around the same time as we got Dixie we got Cheechy Bear.
Cheechy Bear was born with a congenital disease called retinal degeneration. She was born with sight but in the last few weeks have lost all of her sight completely. I love Cheechy Bear the same as I love Dixie. She also licks my nose and I swear touches my brain sometimes. These dogs are special to me and despite being very difficult to train, they give me so much more back than I could probably ever give to them. They make me laugh 😂. They play with a cat toy and I have them chasing me around the house. They give me a reason to go outside for a walk. I have to learn patients with them because one can’t see me and the other can’t hear me. They are teaching me so many things. They are giving me exercise and they are giving me a reason to get up and go. They are giving me life and they are teaching me about love.
When I first had children I was a devoted mother. I learned how to communicate with my kids as early as I could. I taught them signs so they could speak to me sooner. I had a goal to have the happiest kids alive. Then when they grew a little older I started putting conditions on my kids. They had to do what I wished or else I would get upset and punish them. I did the same with my husband. I went from unconditional love to placing conditions on them. You never think of it at the moment,but when we are angry at our children or spouses we are temporarily withholding our love.
It says in the Bible 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV “Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.
This passage was read at my wedding because I wanted to love and be loved like that. I fail often, but I believe as long as it is important to you and you keep getting back up on the horse, you will eventually reach your goal. I guess that is why God gave us Dog’s, because they never fail at love and we needed a good role model. Thanks for listening and if you get a chance, pet a puppy today. They give us so much more than we could ever give. Many Blessings 🙏 you all.
So, today I recognized something very important. In the past week, after doing three hours of chemo, I came home and passed out on the living room floor. I felt terrible about sleeping. My daughter said I slept for forty minutes and it felt like a whole day was slept away. The next day I made sure I didn’t fail myself, so I made two dog harnesses.
Then I put together a queen size bed set. Pillowcases and quilt with the help of my family.
Then to top it off I made three Pocket Puppy Porters. Aka a cuddly wrap but different. I changed the design a bit but basically I love these things to carry my puppies when the walks get too long. I tell everyone that it is hard being a little puppy. She takes ten steps to our one. We carry her when she gets tired and these wraps are the best for that. My friends wanted them for their upcoming grand babies. I was thrilled to make them, because this wrap was one of my favorite things when I had babies. I still tell everyone how I carried my daughter around Disney world with a wrap like that. I love them. To top that off, Disney reminded me about a dress I got there. It was one of my favorite things. So I took my dress and replicated it. In a week I made a quilt, a dress, three wraps , two pillow cases and two dog harnesses. I also wrote, dog trained,dog walked, visited my neighbor, finished my signs and made two statue crafts. I also did seven loads of laundry and helped keep house. I have never looked back and looked at what a week looked like for me. Hello I am Brandie and I am a workaholic. I said it out loud today and my daughter laughed to tears. She said finally Mom you got it. I knew I had a little over achiever in me but I am bordering on crazy obsessive. I say that I am not your normal Cancer patient . However, this is getting crazy. I am avoiding pain. This is how I do it. It is wrong. Avoidance doesn’t work and I know better. However, when you are wrapped up in the hurricane you have created you can’t see you are creating it. I needed to see that. In the last few weeks I have been upset by the way my oncologist has treated my Cancer. She likes to inform me about how little time I have. To a person who is like me, it means I have to get forty years of work done in the next few weeks. Impossible and wrong. She has no idea who I am and what I can do. I loathe that my brain still gets affected by other people’s opinions. But alas I am human. I am grateful I figured it out though. Maybe I can make a more reasonable schedule and stop passing out from exhaustion. My floor is not that comfortable. I guess my lesson this week is to slow down. I am not dying today. Nothing is that important that I have to kill myself doing it. Even if I love making the stuff, I can still do things without having to do everything at the same time. No wonder why my head is so garbled. I may just need to slow down and get a bit more organized. Even writing this I am falling asleep. I need perspective and personal grace. It really is easy to go back to old habits. I am grateful for the perspective. I will be more graceful next week. Maybe I will only write a book and finish two or three dog harnesses or pjs. Now I think I may take a nap. Or go to bed for the night because I can do that. It is crazy the things I forget that I can do. So goodnight everyone. This workoholic is going to stretch, meditate and go to bed. So be kind to yourselves and learn from my mistakes. You don’t have to work so much that you are passing out on the floor when you sit down to play with your puppies. I am changing the things that I can. Namaste everyone. God Bless 🙏
Sometimes I wake up early in the morning with the most profound messages. I believe that God is always talking to us. We just rarely take the time to listen. This morning I woke up with a message in my brain. The message was “everything is as it should be.” I have had this message before. Each time I hear it I resist it a little. I really don’t want to believe that the anger, hurt and frustration I see from this world sometimes, could be a real part of this amazing thing called life, but it is. The reason why I can say this with absolute rigidity is simply because it is what’s happening. The world has no mistakes, it has experiences. No more, no less. It’s absolute. It is a law because it is what happens, like gravity. Very few people can explain away gravity because if they jumped off of a cliff they would probably quickly learn that they were falling.
My doctor’s and many other people believe I am going to die. It is a truth as much as we know it. I don’t know anyone who is immortal, so a law for me is that I am going to die just like the other 7 billion humans who will also die from this earth. From my doctor’s experiences, they have only seen the death that comes with Cancer. It makes it real for them and gives them the purpose of treating it. If Cancer did not kill nobody would care. It is hard to explain this to most people. We all have a strong sense of what is right and wrong but rarely do you find two individuals that believe in the same things so much so, that they could agree that all of their thoughts are laws. That’s where we go wrong as human beings. We thoroughly believe we are right in all of our thoughts. Everything is law. If that were true though, we would simply write your thoughts in a book and everyone could run by it. Problem solved right? Well how do we choose which one of us to listen to? That’s the thing.Even when we do choose, like Jesus and Buddha, there is still too much imagination to make the book anything less than guidance. We are too egocentric and too imaginative. We make our own laws up. We can twist anything to make ourselves right. That’s why I say we are all right. If we were alone that would always be true. Now, the one catch to this is we are social beings so we are only going to be right for as long as we are alone. When another person comes along they are right. At least in their minds. So than what or who is right? I guess the answer to that is that we are all right and everything is as it should be. If we are here to have experiences than good or bad we are having experience. What makes it wrong or right is the other person’s perspective. So the logic in that is that everyone is equally as right and as wrong as anybody else. Yes this is what keeps my mind awake at five am. I am grateful for my newfound existentialism but I must say, sleep may be a bit more productive. 😂. I guess that is the point isn’t it. Everything in the world right now is as it should be up to and including if I am experiencing the weird words that come to my head in the middle of the night. Now for another chance at sleep. I hope it goes better tonight than last night. Many blessings to you all and to all a good night. 💕🐑
Well Happy Easter everyone. I hope everyone is well and home, like they should be. I know, before the Cancer, I would have been likely a stressed out mess because of the pandemic . Now I figure, after defying the doctor’s death diagnosis at least 12 times, if the good Lord takes me, there is likely a reason. I am not going to live my life like I have already died. That is not useful. But I am smart enough to know that this virus kills people and I don’t want to be the reason some nurse or doctor does not go home to their kids because I was selfish. We are one in this world. If this disease has taught us anything, it should be that our actions can affect other people. We need people in this world and we should be grateful there are wonderfully amazing people that meet that need. That being said, I have been thinking that common sense may have left the building sometimes. I was told the other day that a lady was in the store and some kid came up to her and sneezed in her face while she was bending over to pick something up. I am not sure that taking all your kids to the store during a pandemic may be the best idea. You really would feel terrible if your baby was in ICU suffering alone because you didn’t take this seriously.
My daughter and me have been making masks with vacuum bags inside. We were told by Mr Google that vacuum bags makes a good filter for the masks. I personally don’t know why I didn’t make these masks a long time ago. The are much more comfortable to wear than my hearty surgical masks.
I think I look cool too. Like a master villian in the comic books. Mwhahaaa 😂. I digress. I have found that this has been an interesting time for me. I stopped being on the social media too much because I can’t be inundated with negative. Social Media likes to post the worst even though my feed is actually quite enlightening. I am really grateful for that. I browse by quickly in instagram and I see many cats and dogs. It is obvious that animals are a priority for me. Then I tend to see speakers like Brenee Brown and Jay Shetty. They are great speakers to help me smile. I love this because instagram Facebook and Twitter all have an algorithm that tries to post the stuff you would be most interested in. This means that my algorithm is full of peace, spiritualism and animals. Oh yes and I forgot art and sewing. I am proud of that. It shows me I have become the person I want to be. I am living my truth. No lies. Just me. It is wonderful and convenient. If I am feeling blah or sad,there is usually a saying, Ted talk, or a cat falling of a chair to cheer me up. That is the awesomeness of social media. There is only one thing that trumps your algorithm and that is a tragedy. When there is a mass shooting or a major earthquake, my feeds gets taken over by fear, dread and people putting their feet in their mouths. I have heard some doosies lately. The best one was that this was a rich man conspiracy to eliminate everyone over 60 so that we can take their retirement fortunes. I don’t know about you, but these conspiracy theories are almost worse than what’s really going on. It commits people to hating a group of people and hate is not right. That’s how Hitler began. He manipulated people into believing that a group of people were evil and allowed other, easily manipulated people, to perpetrate immoral acts. It is basically how wars are started. I think the world needed a healthy dose of reality. We are hurting people struggling with our sad thoughts and continue to believe that we are the victims of something. “I am poor because the rich hoard the money”. “I am sick because of large companies messing with my fruit” It places me against them and it foster’s hate. Hate is not where I want to live. So to make a long story longer, I simply turn it off sometimes. I take a social media vacation. I know this post is all over the place, but my brain is a little scattered lately. The routine is off. My new Chemo makes me tired and craving sugar. I guess I am grateful that I can eat at all really. The nausea makes it hard sometimes to do anything. So I am going to end saying this. Love your neighbor because often they are the ones that help you the most. Believe in the good of people and finally love the ones you are with. You never know when you might be stuck in a house with them for weeks on end. 😜 Stay safe everyone and God Bless 🙏❣️