If I had a million dollars.

When I began studying myself, the first question that always came up was what would you do if you had a million dollars? The premise, of course, is to eliminate the need for money. We are slaves to our thoughts about money. It blinds us from our true selves. More often than not we settle. We use coping skills to allow us to drudge along in jobs that we may sort of like, but really don’t love, in order to get by. Not a great way to live, but we do have some good times, so we justify it and move on day to day. Most of us don’t have a clue who we really are.

That is the point of the million dollar question. To think past the money and get to know what you really love. When I was first asked the question I had a hard time figuring things out about me. I wanted stuff. New mansion, a house keeper and a chef. A fancy car and my husband home from work so that I might do something more than gym stuff and Mom stuff. I loved doing things for my kids but I was not feeding myself very well. My life did not have a lot of relationship with anyone, let alone God. I was a very busy, over tired, over stressed, lonely Mom. I had kids stuff to do and some local acquaintances but I did not put myself out there. I did gym as medicine. I was afraid to call people because I didn’t want to bother them. It was a weird mindset. I was afraid of relationships. After doing a lot of self help work that consisted of meditation, yoga, Mentor’s and some seminars. I was able to change my answer to the million dollar question and now it is very different. If I had a million dollars :

  1. I would want to help people, but I don’t want to be overwhelmed by the sadness that can come from that. Basically I want to do what I am doing now but in a bigger scale. Maybe a vlog and of course finish the book. Possibly I would like to do public talks and volunteer.
  2. I would help people like me, who need money for their cure, money to live and pay the crazy excess expenses that nobody should have to worry about when they are struggling to heal from Cancer.
  3. I would go to Bora Bora with my kids and husband.
  4. I would take a cooking class or two with my daughter to learn how to make delicious healthy meals
  5. I would learn to play the piano and guitar
  6. I would relearn french and maybe spanish
  7. I would go back down to the Maritimes and visit my family.
  8. I would help my husband build his MLM company and go to the seminars.
  9. I would go to Las Vegas and give money to the homeless, because when I was there for my Dad’s wedding, I didn’t have any change to give this woman who was begging with her child. It broke my heart not to give to her. I promised myself that someday I would make sure I gave her as much as I could or at least someone like her.
  10. I would pay off my bills,buy my husband a truck and my kids reliable vehicles.
  11. I would pay for my cure.

I am sure this is probably more than a million dollars now, but basically this is who I am. Without the worry or concern of money, I look at this list and I see a woman who doesn’t want things as much as experiences. That is a lot different than a mansion and a maid. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind help, but I would much rather have time together with friends and family, doing amazing things and having amazing experiences. A house is a place you lay your head, but a home is a place you lay your heart. My home may not have a tonne of fancy stuff but it has my heart which is my family. That is enough. Oh and my tub. That is very important πŸ˜‰.

I hope you will ask yourself what you would really want to do if you were financially secure. I hope it changes your perspective on life. I may barely be able to pay for food and some essentials right now but I know it won’t always be like that. My job is to keep the faith and continue to have dreams to concentrate on. I don’t need a million dollars to keep blogging. I may not need the money to find the cure. I will someday be able to take music lessons and there are even apps for that. I may just need time. It is funny how this excercise puts some things into perspective. Feel free to share your list if you want or just share it with yourself. You may find that you are already very grateful for your life and all you need is to realize what you really need to be happy is right within your reach. I wish you all a beautiful life with many joyful experience’s. I also wish that everyone could be financially secure, so that everyone could see what is really important in their lives. God Bless ❀️

As always, our Go fund me page. Any support given is much appreciated. Thanks again for your support 😊

If you want to try the Healing challenge with me or if you like the looks of any of our products than please visit our website. Thanks so much for your support 😊

Amazing just the way you are.

I have always believed that you are interesting. Yes you. I mean everyone. I was the person, and still am the person, that asks why? I want to know why you do the things you do and what makes you make these decisions. I think you are fascinating. I have done this so long I can’t even remember how it started.

I am also a person that gets confused when you do things that don’t make sense to me. I have recently changed that a lot. My motto is more, “not my monkeys not my Zoo”, now. I have lost a lot more stress that way. You see, before all of this, I basically thought it was my calling in life to demask you and help you deal with what I believed was your bleak “reality. These were judgments I made from my education and my experience of patterns. Some people loved it when I did this. However, very few people want to know too much about themselves and some people are in complete denial. I now try not to do this because I don’t want to be put in a box why should I put anyone else in one? Also some people don’t want to change. Something I could never understand before. Why wouldn’t you want to get rid of what I believed was holding you back? (Yes I was arrogant).

I always wanted to change. I wanted to grow and be the ultimate specimen of a human being. I wanted to be the ultimate weight, the ultimate strength, the ultimate designer and builder, the ultimate money maker, the ultimate business owner, the ultimate brainiac, the ultimate Mother, the ultimate Wife, the ultimate friend and the ultimate leader.

Yes, perfectionism was a big problem. I was never good enough for myself. The other thing that was weird was that I did not hold any other person up to my standard. I fully believed in other people’s capabilities. I would never let anyone fail. I would lift them up to their idea of standards. “No you are not fat!” “Yes you can do it! ” “You are beautiful!” “You are great!” ” You are awesome!” Why couldn’t I do this for myself? The truth was I believed my standards where higher. It was a strange coping mechanism, but my father was very angry with women. He had gotten a divorce and blamed it on women. This was confusing for me, as I was technically a member of the female species. He dismissed that as I was better than the “normal woman”. This was a completely unintentional thing but I made myself believe that I was some kind of super woman. It took me many years to realize that I was not a “God” sent here to be the ultimate teacher. (Weird reading that out loud because it sounded like I wanted to be Jesus).

I started my journey of change around 14 years ago with holosync meditations and saying affirmations to myself. Things like “I love myself for who I am”. “I am amazing just the way I am”. I was able to change myself bit by bit. Mostly I was able to see the next steps to healing my self LP esteem.

About 7 years ago I went to a group meeting called Celebrate Recovery. I did what was called a step study and found out that I was indeed the person who tortured myself the most. I was also able to work through the God Complex. I really did become a strong believer in CR, Jesus, holosync and affirmations after that. At the time, I also ended up with a big weight loss and lower pain levels. Things only changed when we went through a big job loss and financial issues.

Another thing not everyone knows about me, is that I am quite dramatic. A few years back I was in the college taking upgrading so that I could go to school for Engineering. My big plan was to become an Engineer tech and then go back to school for Engineering when my youngest daughter went to University. Yes I was going to stalk her forever.πŸ˜‰ In this process I had taken a drama class. The drama class was mostly improv and that was right up my alley. I was always a make believe person but there is something else I have always been which is the key to improv. I was the wind beneath the wings. In improv, one of the big rules for success is to make the other person look good. Always say yes and run with it. I am not always great at this with life but it is my primary directive with people. I watch for facial and body clues. Then I step in when people are struggling. I am a Nova Scotian which means silence is deafening and I need to make sure that there is always a talking sound going on, even if I talk myself hoarse .

Something else funny about me is I have a strange group persona. I will become a weird dramatic comedian. I find the most absurd things and dramatically mimic it to its most absurd conclusion. For example if we were talking about the Prime Minister I would mimic him saying something like, “yes I will give you what you want and I will wear my prettiest socks with matching ethnic stereotype to seal the deal”. I will say this in a made up voice. I swear I do this naturally without thinking, so if I offend when I do this, know it is purely unintentional. I will usually laugh after I have done this as well.

You may ask why I am telling everyone this? The answer is this. I love myself today. I am 240 lbs and was seriously 250lbs last week.(The weight stuff still blows my mind). I am bald and walk like a baby. I have a restricted voice because of the Chemo. I am crazy sometimes, but I like myself. I will apologize if I have done anything to offend, but I don’t lose sleep on judgement, because I like myself. I am stubborn and fierce. I am strong willed and have martial arts training. Meaning , I will understand if you want something of mine. I will give you the clothes off my back, but if you try to hurt my family I will end up in jail and you probably won’t come out of it well. I did mention I am sometimes crazy. I will forgive because I know that forgiveness is for your heart and growth, nobody elses. I really appreciate that about me. Now you know about me and as stated beforehand, I am curious and I really want to know you. So, I am asking anyone who likes to share to tell me about you. Tell me your amazing things that make you who you are. Also I will say from experience, give yourself a break. You are worth loving. I think you are amazing just the way you are. I hope you see that too. God Bless❀️

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If you want to try the Healing challenge with me or if you like the looks of any of our products than please visit our website. Thanks so much for your support 😊

Lots of crazy withdrawals.

I am grateful that I am starting to feel better, but I must say. Withdrawals are a real pain in the ass. A few weeks ago, I had to go through drug withdrawals, which made me in so much pain and discomfort, I had to increase my Steroid drug for the fourth time. Due to the increase, I had to wean again and that has been a few weeks of hell.

I believe that drugs have their place. I am grateful the steroid helped keep my brain from popping out of my head. However, if someone said “btw when you go off this drug you will be a hopped up raging lunatic, barfing, and sleeping all the time.” ” That is when you’re not in severe pain or fevered with chills.” I may have chosen exploding head.

In the midst of this craziness I recognized something I really didn’t love. I had a very hard time feeling normal emotions. I felt extreme anger. My family said I was jittery ,which makes me assume anxiety, but not normal fear based anxiety. More of a hopped up on Meth anxiety. No emotion just completely all over the place. Then periodically I would just burst out crying from frustration. It was not a ride I would wish on anyone. It made it almost impossible to reach peace and Joy through meditation. The breathing was even hard to do because along with all the rest of the stuff going on, I was getting severe IBS that felt like a bullet was penetrating my chest and sending spasms through my stomach and back. To make everything a little more interesting, the less the steroid I was taking the more the Chemo side effects hurt. Meaning my neuropathy was bad enough that I couldn’t walk again. I had to move my bed downstairs, because I was falling and I have fourteen stairs. A pretty long way to fly with no wings.

About a week or so ago, I threw my hands up and gave up. I said I am going to bed. I will come out when I feel better. I slept for days. Then around four days ago, I started going to the gym. I figured since I couldn’t walk really well anymore, I was going to use the recumbent bike. I was in the middle of biking and tears ran down my eyes. I had been watching a video with a fireman and it looked like they had left the guy behind. Then he showed up and his wife went running to him very happy and relieved. I believe it was Nickelbacks song Far Away. Anyway, I realized for the first time in a few months, I was feeling real emotions that were not being clouded by medicine. Then I felt Joy. I was so happy I danced in the chair.

The emotions are not completely regular yet, but now I have a good portion of real emotions, and a lot less losing my mind. I am very grateful for that.

I have learned a lot of things from this experience. The first thing I have learned was, sometimes drugs make it super difficult to get through to God. Not impossible, but very difficult when the drugs have control. I learned that sometimes you have to give up fighting and rest. I have probably said this before, but I am not easily held down. I have learned that drug side effects are sometimes worse than the disease. I have also learned that drugs reaaaalllly mess with your weight. I gained and lost and gained and lost 20lbs in a day, a week and a month. What is funny is I looked on an app the other day that said “to maintain my weight I would have to eat 3700 calories a day”. I have not eaten more than 1000 calories in the past week. I used to believe in science, but I have had so many times that I don’t fit the scientific statistic, that I just can’t barely believe in any of it anymore.

Ever since the emotions came back the house has been much more pleasant to be in. Apparently my daughter was right and it really is me who gauges the emotional energy level in our house. Wow, I really hope my family learns how to make themselves happy. I am hoping that my energy starts to increase more naturally and that I can finally start healing. I am still sleeping a lot more but I have done three out of four gym days. It is the little steps and time that make big progress. I am trying to gain strength and walk again. If not than I am going to be the buffest Mama in a wheelchair.

As a totally unrelated topic, tonight I told a random stranger who was studying at the gym, good luck on her test. She told me she had finished her course but she was doing her final exam. She was finishing her registered nurse program. I said you are doing a wonderful thing. The world needs more people like you. She replied, you are doing a wonderful thing. She said I have seen you here a few times this week and she said it is very inspiring. I love people. It made me smile. It is funny how we affect people more without trying than when we do.

So I will end with a great big I love you all. I am grateful I can say that now and really feel it from my heart instead of knowing it in my head. I hope people will have a bit more compassion for sick people who have to be on weird drugs like dexamethasone. Some sick people really don’t have any control over themselves. Lastly I wish you all true emotions , especially Joy, love and empathy. You don’t know how hellish life is like without them.

God Bless Everyone ❀️

As always, our Go fund me page. Any support given is much appreciated. Thanks again for your support 😊

If you want to try the Healing challenge with me or if you like the looks of any of our products than please visit our website. Thanks so much for your support 😊

Drugs, Pain , Chemo and side effects make me forget.

My Son is an amazing young man. I don’t always know how to take him sometimes. It is funny how we forget. I was probably just like him but I don’t remember. He is a bit abrasive. Spirited I guess you would say. It always seems like he is yelling at me. He informed me that is just how he talks.

Today was a hard day because my neuropathy went weird. I fell down a couple of times and then finally the whole leg went weird. I was panicking and getting even more confused. Which is not helpful when I am trying to walk. He looked at me and yelled get up and stop focusing on the pain. I am always open to things that come from well meaning people. So I obliged. I know he loves me and wants to help. He said focus on me and tell me about your day. Stop thinking about falling. I fell a couple of times but we readjusted and I relaxed. I started to focus in on my day and I told him. He asked me questions. I asked him questions. He caught me every time I went into my head. Eventually I was walking and the leg stopped. I could still feel the pain but he said this is not pain it is a mild inconvenience and pain goes away. What I realized was he had focused in right away that I was panicking. He handled my panic the same way I handled a lot of stuff in my life. When there was a crisis I would put my foot down, take control and do what was necessary to get people to do what they needed to do. I got better as I grew older with more experience. I added calmness and compassion. However, he learned most of my stuff from when I was less good at it. I have always been a coach though. I pushed people to be better. No one more than myself. This is exactly what he told me. He said stop trying to fix this. He said let it go. Let yourself be sick until you are well and do what you need to do to be happy, distracted and out of your head.

Now I am very proud of him. However, I feel a little frightened because it was that same never give up never surrender attitude that probably made me sick in the first place. So I hope he doesn’t take it to the extreme as I did. Either way he was absolutely right. I have been trying a bit too hard in the last little while. The Chemo making me fever and tired, freaked me out. I did not realize I had an unknown fear of sleeping. I am grateful for recognizing it, but it has made things difficult for the panicking. The panic is also coming from the Steroid I have had to wean off of and then increase again. It is like a guaranteed anxiety attack. I think back to when I had weaned off of the meds and I was so happy and loving. I miss that. The drugs have been a bit of a side effect crap show. I am not eating but I am still gaining weight with every steroid increase. I am getting neuropathy bad and it is traveling. I needed a little mind over matter stuff. It is funny that the person I got it from was my son. Panic just makes everything worse. I am glad he was able to see it and I was able to walk without the leg collapsing. In the end he sent me this YouTube video. Good! YOUTUBE Inspiration video.

I am grateful that God comes around in the weirdest ways. I am grateful for what Cole did. I am grateful that Ken gained some insight. It means that maybe we can bypass the next crazy side effect. Either way, I walked and I could write a blog . As the Good YouTube said, all is good. Thanks for listening.

As always, our Go fund me page. Any support given is much appreciated. Thanks again for your support 😊

If you want to try the Healing challenge with me or if you like the looks of any of our products than please visit our website. Thanks so much for your support 😊

Labeling hurts Everyone

I was on Instagram this morning. I generally go on Instagram, because I try to follow positive people, who have great things for me to see first thing in the morning. For instance, one of my posts first thing in the morning, said list five things you are grateful for and then ask how you can make this a better day for you and someone else. What a beautiful way to wake up. Start the day off well and your day is likely to be better for sure.

Now every once in a while, my positive feed goes rogue. I had been contemplating unfollowing this writer for a bit, but I am quite sure of it now. If you are on my Instagram, than you will see it is simply about my vibe, or you are a friend and family member that I want to see what you are up to. That is all. No haters on Instagram.

This lady posted that the problem in the US is white males with guns who voted for the president and we need to get rid of them and guns. I am sorry, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Granted I am still struggling with steroid withdrawals, which makes me more angry but still, this feed was toxic. I basically said ” it is ironic that the very prejudice that this lady is trying to stop is the very prejudice that she is stating by her first sentence.” I hate labels. It is unfortunate and I am sure we are all guilty of doing it, but segregation is where prejudice comes from.

I remember having this exact conversation with my native studies professor. She was a PhD and native. The university of Calgary were so excited to have her. She was a diamond in the rough. She was huge on informing people how people did not believe that she was a PhD and all of the stuff she had to go through to get there. I was a mouthy teenager. (I am sure anyone who knows me knows that has not changed much πŸ˜†). I told her an opinion I have had for over twenty years. It developed from the time of highschool and we had segregation problem. I was in Cole Harbour Highschool. We were actually known Canada wide for our segregation issues. I told her I do not believe in segregation. I informed her I believe everytime we close people into a box, wether that be a financial group, a race group, an intellectual group or a mental group we are basically putting them in a list of our understanding, than we treat them by our prejudice. We project our perceived traits on them which makes it very hard for them to be anything else. She said that is ridiculous, the aboriginal people have worked very hard to get their culture back and they need protection to practice it. I said, really, so how many aboriginal people succeed in getting any kind of secondary education? I knew the answer to this because she had just taught us the sad statistics of post secondary education in aboriginal groups the day before. Killed by her own wordsπŸ˜‰. Then I hit her with the worst question. What reserve did you live on? She informed me that she was adopted by a beautiful couple. One a doctor and one a teacher. Which essentially proved my point. She was integrated. She had been part of general society which gave her a better chance of doing things without prejudice or preconceived ideas. She didn’t like me much after that.

The thing that bugs me is the labels. When one sees a label like stage four cancer, as a doctor, I will get treated like a person who is dying because that is what was taught by the statistics. If one sees you as Muslim in this society today then you will probably get treated as an enemy or terrorist. Despite you possibly being the nicest person ever who gives of themselves and their time.

My husband has a unique last name and a bit of a Muslim look. We can not go on an airplane without getting checked. Why? We are a family of people who if we travel is to places like Disney or Hawaii. We are generally dorks wearing Hawaiian shirts. There is nothing about us screaming that we would bring water bottles on the plane let alone bombs. Why have we gotten to this point?

The thing is, terror sells and we are becoming so good at passing on fear, that we are actually perpetuating a society of sick people who are afraid to leave their houses.

I became so fearful of crazy people hurting my children that I literally made myself sick. It is a sad society of fear and hatred that I can’t even imagine anymore. I saw a post on Facebook the other day that actually thought the purge would be a good idea. How exactly would that work? Everybody hates somebody and everyone has pissed off somebody at some point in time. Maybe the Native Arts Professor never forgave me for being so smart mouthed and I am on her purge list. I am sure my mouth has made me a few purge targets.πŸ˜‰ Basically you can look at it one way or another. You can come in with the heart of compassion. Forgive people for being human and live our lives by God and acceptance. Turn off the news and skip the hate stuff on our feeds so we don’t inundate our minds with fear and place love and fun back into our lives. Or we can continue to build the hate until we are sick and die, or so mad at people that we end up shooting someone and ending in jail. Hmm there is a thought. What makes us so angry that we think it is ok to suggest killing all of the drug addicts, is probably close to the anger the mass shooters feel. What a good place to start with compassion and healing yourself.

I end with this. There are few things that I cannot understand when I choose to walk a mile in another person’s shoes. If I label a person I put them in a box and then I treat them that way. If I ask God for my words I generally treat people better and the labels don’t show up. If I pass on hate I am no better than the shooters, because I am making people injusticely hate other human beings which creates more shooters. Those who live in glass houses cast the first stone. Last, I will be removing this lady because I choose happiness and love in my feeds. Beware of what you feed your mind. You do not know if there will be a day that you snap from the hate and do something that I am sure most of these people would regret over time. I hope that everyone takes the time to find five gratefuls and a person that they could help or make smile today. Good Bless ❀️😊

As always, our Go fund me page. Any support given is much appreciated. Thanks again for your support 😊

If you want to try the Healing challenge with me or if you like the looks of any of our products than please visit our website. Thanks so much for your support 😊